Who Creates Your Reality?

::Disclaimer:: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOUR INTELLIGENCE IS QUESTIONABLE AS YOU WILL BE LOST!

Lately I have been contemplating some serious philosophical shit. In my head it makes sense, but on paper....hmmmmm lets see. Reality by definition is "the state of things as they actually are", however, it also encompasses what is real and everything that is. Whether you can observe it or comprehend it, reality is that all encompassing state of being. Seems to makes sense right. Then you have the IQ of a small apple. There is nothing sensible about the definition of reality. Let me divulge into "reality" as it is.

The definition "state of things as they are" leaves out a very essential aspect of the human condition; experience. Some people believe that reality itself is consistent regardless of the individual experience and that its perception that varies. I believe that your perception is your reality. One can even go as far as to take it back to the age old battle of NATURE vs NURTURE. Your perception of life changes depending on your genetics (Nature) and your environment (Nurture) thereby becoming your REALITY...*signal corny tadaaaaaa sound*

Now...here comes the million dollar question: Why do we give a fuck? Well let me tell you why you should give me your fucks on this (or dont, either way, either way). We spend our entire lives believing that our reality is the RIGHT reality and everyone else is wrong. BOOM bitches. Therein lives the problem. We are creatures of habit and those habits are not easily broken, especially when we have been natured and nurtured up to believing our own reality is the only one that should exist. Think about it. Your religion is "right" and everyone else is "wrong". Your view on raising children is "right" and everyone else is "wrong". I could go on and on.... but what's most important to me right now...... your view on relationship normality is "right" and his is "wrong".... *sigh and cue a ha moment.... 'taste the soup....wheres the spoon....a ha'*

Reality, perception, fact, truth. These are all relative to the individual which is not in itself the problem. The problem comes in when we approach situations with blinders on and care not to understand someone elses reality. Philosophically, these 4 words (among others) plague the intelligent minds who understand their vagueness. My normality (those truths I believe everyone should know about a relationship, everyone being robert) is so damn different from his normality that its almost criminal to believe that we make this work. Subconsciously I have already realized what I am writing here today, but it took me a while to put all the piece together. In our society, television, friends, and family influence how we perceive our relationships. Think about it. If your man/woman has been doing things one way and you have been cool with it and then your friend says "uh uh I would be pissed off if my man/woman did that" you start thinking, damn... maybe he/she should be doing it this way.

My point: In life, especially in relationships, you must create your own reality, your own normality. There is no possible way that your significant other thinks and believes exactly as you do and the shouldn't. Because if they do, chances are you guys are brothers and sisters in which case fucking is wrong anyway. You cant expect to handle every situation the same and you cant be angry when they have been raised to think in a way that you weren't. Im not giving advice, Im talking to my own damn self. And stop listening to your friends all the damn time... Sometimes they are blinded by their love for you and that could end up fucking you up. Your reality is just that.....YOURS.
If you could not follow what I was saying please kindly take a knife and run the blade straight across your neck...we need to make sure imbeciles like you dont stick around long enough to reproduce. GOOD DAY

"Mos..." A love poem

Mos Def drives me crazy.
Lyrically, I loves the way he spits and how his flow can change so easily.
At one moment he's intense and hard hitting,
then in the next he is singing about being "the most beautiful boogy man"
And hitting it hard...
His versatility is awesome.
A beautiful kind of melody
Its kind of hard for me to explain the feeling I get when I hear his voice or see his face,
chocolate skin and intense eyes
filled with the power to paralyze
he's beautiful...
something inside of me just melts, and when he spits,
I
forget
that he has a million children by a million women and that he may not be the best guy ever.
And I
I close my eyes
and let his sultry tone infiltrate my mind.
Suddenly I'm
in a small cafe where the air smells like soul food
and the people are
soul-full
hair pulled back and head nodding
while my oversized earrings swing back and forth
I'm vibin to his beat
Gyrating in the seat
while he sips his jack and coke
and whispers the words to "Boogy man"
"See me, want me, give me, trust me
Feed me, fuck me, love me, touch me
this whole world is cold and ugly
What we are is low and lovely
I am the most beautiful boogie man"
his voice fades and his eyes catch mine
but his
last words stay on my mind
There is a balance that I find
solice in this time
we have together
and I remember what I sometimes forget
No matter how far removed I might be
I am soul...
I embody it...
I desire it...
And when too far removed from it
I feind for it
And he brings me back...
Mos Def drives me crazy...

ECLIPSE PREMIER...and thoughts

Let me begin by saying, I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED THE MOVIE! Ladies night began and ended wonderfully! Omg Lara came over and we made shirts and as promised, Mine said Team 2 some as that is EXACTLY what I would love to happen! And here it is...

The back, of course, had to say something quite dirty so it read "Bite me.... Scratch me..." Yes it did. I loved it, and I especially loved seeing Taylor's sexy ass half naked.... Ummmm yea, please don't let me EVER meet him!OH MY GODDDDDD LORD HELP US ALL IF THAT HAPPENS...

But I want the wolf. That hot, sweaty, all-in-love-and-shit wolf what would die for me in a heartbeat. Which leads to me to the point of this blog. Its not just to talk about how I would-- nope not gonna go there= Taylor Lautner all over the place, but I actually want to speak on something else as well.

Stephanie Meyer is ruining the young girls of the world with this fabricated idea of love and marriage. I mean, luckily I am JUST passed the point where I would actually think that shit is real (by the skin of my teeth). I say that to say that I am a romantic; an idealist when it comes to love, if you will, so I too can understand (and sometimes be pulled into) the alluring facade that she presents. But these young girls are going to spend their lives looking for some shit that doesnt exist. Dont get me wrong. I love my significant Robert on so many levels, and for the most part, he is my Prince Charming, my Mr. Right, but at other times, I want to rip his face off. Thats the part she left out. The part where shit gets hectic and you have to give it all you got to make love work. The part where you lose your mind once a month or he forgets your birthday. The part where someone loses their job, or God forbid you both do, and you have to search chairs and couches for change. The part where we laugh instead of cry when we have to eat eggs for a week. When you realize that love is a constant job and you want to work at it forever.

Sweet words and whimsical runs on your mans back through the park don't make love. The knowledge that no matter what, or who, or when, and all the other W's, you will always be there for me. When I make up stories in my head, even though they are crazy, you comfort me. When everything that can go wrong DOES go wrong, we laugh, and you tell me it will just make us stronger. When you have that, who gives a fuck about glistening skin...

So yea, I love the movie and I love the story, but I wish these girls weren't getting so caught up in thinking that it really happens THAT way. Maybe 1 in a million. Im just saying, love isn't easy, and anything worth having takes work. So this fantasy world of werewolves and vampires fighting over you because you are the center of the universe can go to hell...

But............ That doesn't mean I can't look at their sexy asses!!! And I will continue to do so!
THANK YOU JESUS!

Wonder Twin Powers: ACTIVATE!!!

Yes, I am finally feeling like I am coming down off of that high, and back to homeostasis where both parts of me (sane and insane naturally) team up to do great things. I have brought myself back to equilibrium and I am ready to kick ass and take names! Sometimes I wonder if my Id, Ego, and Superego have all decided to play a cruel joke on me. Incidentally, sane people are usually very apt to listen to the Ego and Super (for those of you who were not psyche majors, the Id-instinctual behaviors, like slapping someone who made you wait to long in line, Ego-organized, realistic and sensible and seeks to please the id in a rational way, like dropping all your change on the counter to get back at the sales lady, and the super ego- moral in all his ways, the super ego tells you its not worth it and to be the bigger person) but I seem to be prone to the Id. Does that make me a serial killer??? Maybe...

The problem: I think that sometimes they try to join together with that bitch Lady Luck, and that Douche Karma, and see just how much they can fuck with me. "Hey guys, you should come and get our girl!". I swear I have the worst shit happen to me ALL the time. NOT that I'm saying it couldn't get worst, because I know it could, but I do say BRING IT ON FUCKERS!

Now that I am coming down off of the PMS high, I am starting to rethink the things that were bothering me; some still playing on my mental faculties, and others are decidedly rubbish. However, one thing remains certain;

I must change my focus

• I did not come to Korea for clothing and shoes (only) and I must remember to not be so disappointed in things I can't change
• I should spend my time working on said problem instead of complaining about it
• I LOVE KOREA... all bullshit aside, I love being here... I love this experience even down to my job
• Things will turn out the way they are supposed to. I am a firm believer in faith and destiny and I think everything happens for a reason, so with that said, I must learn to stop trying to MAKE things happen the way I want them to. (all things included lol).
• Lastly, life is more fun when you just don't give a fuck.

So I will do my best to keep these things in mind.

Onto happier things, I am going to see twilight tomorrow and i have bought paint so I can make my shirt! I am very excited about it!
I am so lame! I know but I am sooooooo ready to wear my "TEAM THREESOME" shirt! Especially since most Koreans wont know what the hell it means anyway! So now, after an extensive workout, dinner, and "Recovery" by Eminem on repeat, I am ready to retire to my bed with my Sherlock Holmes Mysteries and my cup of green tea. After all, my wonder twin powers have to relax sometimes.

I'm Not Gonna Do....What Everbody Thinks I'm Gonna Do...AND FLIP OUT

Incase you didn't notice from my lovely Jerry Maguire quote...I may feel a little flip out coming on. But, as I have for the past few months, I am trying to subdue that feeling of "PLEASE FIND THE SHARPEST KNIFE YOU CAN AND PRESS IT DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CAROTID ARTERY...PLEASE AND THANK YOU" with a few mantras:

• You're in Korea, of course you're stressed!
• You are not more sane upon the arrival of pms, but quite the contrary my dear Watson.
• You are not huge, everyone in Korea is just small.
• Just be lucky that your particular brand of crazy is widely accepted and often times adored (yes, I do toot my horn in my own mantras!)
• STFU nutcase!

Once I remind myself of a few key points, I feel myself settling back into a more relaxed state... Not quite homeostasis, but calmer nonetheless.

Ok, now that I got that out, on to other things. In lieu of my emotional flip out rearing its ugly head, I found myself in need of a shopping fix. Now this could have one either way because of the size situaiton; I could not found anything to buy ad blown up all of Shinae (downtown) or
I could have come hope pleased. Luckily it was the latter (dont think I want to take part in the nasty business that is the Korean Justice System). To my utter and total disbelief, I was able to buy 4 shirts, a part of legging like skinny jeans, a brown sachel purse thingy (not my style but I really dig it), a new scrap book, some pretty pens, and a sleeping mask! As you can see the trip was somewhat random and all over the place. Lara and I had a wonderful time; Lara preparing for her date, and myself refraining from murdering people. We also enjoyed a lovely burger and fries from Kraze Burger. Needless to say, it didnt quite go with my workout-eat right plan, but the first 5 days of the month are off limits for that shit!

So project "Make Yourself Happy" continues tonight and I am going to go to Skin Food and buy some new nail polish... shocking blue or gold or something... and I'm going to manicure and pedicure myself, wash my hair, facial, shave, clean my room, and listen to Man in the Mirror on repeat. Sounds good doesnt it? Anddddddddddd the best part....

Im going to be having some Muther Effin chocolate while I while I watch some kind of chick flick at the end of all of this and lets not forget the crying that HAS to happen while I'm watching the movie...AND I just figured out that the movie is going to be none other than the Wizard of Oz. All of these things make SHAINA happy so I should be 100% by tomorrow! So I leave you with this question... Is your night going to be as fun as mine lol? (That was sarcasm of course) AMERICA---F*** YEA!

Korea...Finally

I have arrived in Cheongju (actually about 2 weeks ago) and I can honestly say I am loving it here. The first day I spent here was filled with exploration as I found myself banging down the door of my American neighbor and hoping he would shed some light on this place. To my surprise (and luck) he took me on a long walk to the local Homeplus-uh (becauase Koreans put Uh at the end of everything) which is very similar to our walmart, and you know how I feel about walmart :). I was able to buy a much needed scale which was actually the first thing I wanted. I can never find myself gaining weight again, as I'm sure it would take away from my Divalicious attitude so I am working hard to maintain...but more about that later. This is how I felt I looked before I left America!!!Gorgeous, Slender, and ready to take on the world...one sexy ass outfit and pair of shoes at a time!!!! I AM WONDERDIVA!!

But this is how I feel in Korea with all these skinny ass little feet people...Like I'm just one grain of rice from dropping straight through the floors. Still rocking the same shit... not realizing.... hmmm not so Diva-esque... and suffering from the biscuit foot syndrome where my feet are too big for all of thier shoes. HUGE SIGH!!!!

Ok enough of that though... I have recently started running again and cooking instead of trying every single thing that is placed in from of me. BUT...one has to be very careful not to offend, so I am still having the entire "experience".

Back to my first day of fun... My neighbor Josh took me around and then we had the most fabulous lunch at..... ready for it....wait for it.... Burger King! Ha! It was greatness. Later on that night I went out with my internet friends Dawn and Lara for Calmgei-sa or something close to that. It was yummy... Another sad point... all the meat here is pork! Can anyone raise their hands and tell me why that's not so awesome?? Exactly... the Diva is generally pork free. Another HUG-ER SIGH (and yes I realize huger is not a word)

The next few days were filled with work and trying to get this alien registration card so that I can get phone and internet (just got the phone yesterday but still waiting on the internet). That weekend was composed of me being drunk becuase Robert could come up, and lots of Westerners trying to figure out "Who the hell is that girl in the Wonder woman costume" lol. Last week proved to be the same EXCEPT that Rob made it this weekend. It was the most lovely thing ever. Filled with laughing, shit talking, smooching, and my personal favorite...hugging (pictures coming). Next week we celebrate 3 years of this Enigma we call a relationship.... Hmmmm I do absolutely think that is the perfect word to describe us... Enigma... No idea what we will do but I'm sure, as always, It will be quite interesting and NOTHING will go according to plan... QUE STAND IN SHAINA TO DRAMATICALLY CLUTCH HER CHEST AND FAINT AT THE IDEA...

Bittersweet

So I left Phoenix on Sunday. I went to several parties and hung out with everyone including my parents and Ashleys parents. It was a fantastic time. I bid adieu to my friend Truc who does my nails and that hurt my heart. She is truly a beautiful person. I said goodbye to Chris who always waits on me at Lonestar. I said goodbye to the guy Juan who always takes care of me at AutoZone. Christina threw me the greatest party ever. Ola flew all the way here to see me. My parents came to drive back with me. And my students from last year threw me a party and so many of them surprised me. I say this to say that I truly realized how blessed I am to be able to have so many wonderful people in my life. I also thank God that I am a people person and I can love SO many people and have them love me in return. I am blessed and loved. I miss my friends who have truly become my family and its even more than I thought possible. So much of my heart is in Phoenix and will leave with my friends as they travel to their new destination. I formed the outline of the woman I am to become. The mold hasn't set but I can definitely see the shape forming. I fell in love, had my heart broken by friends, found sisters, touched the lives of children, and really learned how to make lemonade with lemons. I grew. Thank you Phoenix for nurturing me. Thank you for loving me while I stumbled and fell, and lifting me back up each time. I'll never forget you
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