Fear of Failing or Fear of Success?

I’m sitting at the computer attempting to contact the editor of “____” magazine about publishing one of my articles.  I already have her contact information and all I have to do is pay the $5.99 to join the website that will get me in contact with her and a number of other editors.  I’ve been looking into it for about 3 days now, asking myself, “what’s the big deal Shaina, you spend more than $5.99 on- EVERYTHING”.  I keep refreshing the page; going back and forth, looking at some of my really good work and wondering which one is good enough.  Then it hit me.  I am scared shitless.  I am scared to put my heart into something and fail.  As I’ve said before, I get really tired and bored with things so quickly, but never have I tired of writing.  Along with reading, it’s the one constant things in my life that I have always had a profound interest in, but then the questions start.

“What if I’m not good enough”?

Sometimes my grammar sucks.  “What if they think I’m horrible”? There are so many writers that are better than me. My desire brings me back to the website but the questions I have take me back to bullshitting on Facebook.  I have never tried hard at something and failed, nor have I ever attempted to be publicly recognized for my passion (on a grand level).  Writing has always been my little secret- the real stuff anyway.  I’ve kept it under lock and key, hidden in the special folders on my computer so no one would stumble across my little "hobby".  I’ve been "writing books" since I was 8.  But what makes me good enough?  “Why would anyone care about your story shaina” I ask myself all the time.  “What do you know that no one else does”?  

But I believe that it’s not that I think I know something you don’t know, I think I just have a very real way of addressing situations that can sometimes be considered taboo in everyday discussion.  I think my allure is that I say what you are thinking in the exact way that you want to say it but are afraid to.  But what if I fail?   What if I pay this $5.99 and come up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t do this, or how I should try to spend my time trying to find a job instead of sitting around and writing?  What if I put my all into it and fail and fail again?  I don’t generally fail, and when I have, I changed that failure into success in one way or another.  But this is my thing, my passion, my Shaina thing that I’ve been telling myself that I’m good at for the last 17 years, so what if I find out I’m not?  What if I never get 10,000 hits a day, never beyond this blog, and remain in the same situation I am in now?    

The more I type, the more I realize that this is unacceptable.  This is not diva-esque Shaina.  Fuck what if.  I live in South – Muthaeffin - Korea.  I have a Bachelors AND a Masters Degree.  I’ve worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time and paid my way through college…TWICE.  So what if they think I suck.  So what if my grammar sucks and I need Ciara to tell me where to put colons and hyphens, I'll read some books and be the best damn grammarian on the planet.  So what if someone is better than me, someone will always be better at something.  So what if I am not as good as I think, that will just drive me to do better.  I don’t fail...it just takes me longer to get to success sometimes, but I get success nonetheless.  So instead of asking what if I fail, I am going to start concentrating on something else.  What if I succeed??? - and that scares me just as much.  $5.99 huh?? Where is my debt card?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Marianne Williamson

Halloween and Everland Amusement Park

I had the BEST week ever starting with last Friday.  I went to dinner with Chanel and her friend before going to the Halloween party.  It almost started kind of rocky because Robert missed the first bus so he had to go to Dejeon before making it here which ended up working out ok anyway.  Once he arrived I made sure he had some good Eats (chicken from Kyo chon...yum) and we pregamed a little before heading to the Halloween party that I talked Ciara into coming to!  Photos below.

It was so much fun.  We ended up being so drunk that we barely remembered how we got home.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  So basically it was awesome.  We finally went to bed around 330 so that we could get up and go to EVERLAND bright and early at 730 on saturday. 

We taxi-ed down to the bus where Chanel was waiting for us (and only Chanel).  It seemed that everyone else who was supposed to join us canceled so it was just the three of us which was totally cool because like I told Chanel, we are NOT the lovey dovey couple. The entire trip took about 2 hours and we stayed awake and clowned the whole time, included when Rob and Chanel started photoboming this little Korean couple who took a million pictures of themselves.  Something interesting to know about Korea is that EVERY couple is so in love... for like 2 months, then when its over they never speak again lol... Not generalizing, just something I picked up.

We get there and the first thing we do is gun it to the T-express, the biggest roller coaster drop in the whole world.  Its clear that I do NOT want to take part in this roller coaster adventure from my face in the "before" shot but I did and it was awesome.  We waited in line clowning for about 30 minutes which was exceedingly short for this ride in particular.  EVERYONE wants to ride this one and I could see why.  That drop was ASSinine (yes I know that is spelled wrong).  After this ride we grabbed some horrible fair food (I was hoping for a turkey leg and a funnel cake but this is Korea remember) and then we ended up finding our way to the the ZOO!!! Yes ladies and Gentleman there were animals at the Amusement park and that was all I could ask for.  I was in heaven.  The monkeys, the birds, the "Wild Babies" it was just beautiful.  Then there was a seal show...need I say more!  Fabulous.  Anyway, we concluded out trip taking pictures and riding a few more rides.  It was SOOOO much fun.  I had the best time ever. 

He was so serene!

My Job at Cheongju English Center-Restaurant

 

I spent the whole first 2.5 months of my Korean life teaching "library" where I taught students how to check into the library and check out.  I also taught them several games and talked about some of the popular English books ("TEACHER I LOVE TWILIGHT").  It was such a wonderful change from what I was used to in the States.  I'm a little bit luckier than most of the other teachers I know here for several reasons.  The first being, I know what its like to be a real teacher in my home country.  I hear a lot of my buddies complaining about their jobs, but if only they knew what life was like when you are actually a real teacher and your content areas are tested!  Try being an algebra teacher!  Because of this, I have a deeper appreciation for my job here and the lack of stress I am under.  The second reason is because I teach more of a summer camp than a real school.  Our students come in on Monday and we bid the adieu on Friday, starting the whole process over the following week.

This is a blessing and a curse because it causes me to have to have high energy at ALL times (because I only physically have students in my class once) and it makes my life completely redundant.  At the same time, I know that certain kids that annoy me will be out of my room in 50 minutes or less and I will never have to see them again!  Its beautiful!

Now, I teach "Restaurant".  We cover the types of restaurants- fast food, buffet, dine in- we cover the meals in a day- breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch - and several other things.  Majority of my time is spent having them repeat after me and asking them fun questions like "What do you eat for breakfast?" "Yummy!  What is your favorite dessert".  Then we have a role play where the student have the opportunity to be waiters/waitresses and customers.  They take orders, have menus, get the food from the cabinet, pretend to eat, pay, and tip.  They have an excellent time and so do I.  At the end of the role play we have a boys vs. girls memory game where they have to match cards together.  They get so into it and they do all of this for a few reward points that I stamp into their "Passports".  This is my day. 

People have been wondering why I am so happy... its because I know what my life could look like right now had I done what most people urged me to do and stayed in Phoenix within the comforts of normalcy.  I know how bored and utterly dissatisfied I could have been had I listened and not done what was in my heart for the first time ever.  I know how much I could have been hating my job had I not just said Fuck it!  And I am going to happily keep doing things that make me happy, and Korea is definitely this first of many!