Driving Miss Shaisy

As I muted the tv to listen to the 4th car drive past, I thought to myself "Shaina, he isnt coming back".  He wasn't pulling into the drive way and he hadn't run to the store- he's gone for 2 months and there is nothing you can do about it.  So I got my mind together and set off to take a little trip into town.  

This was my first attempt at driving alone, not to mention that I have only driven to this store once before.  Needless to say I was nervous and continued to pace the floor for at least 20 minutes before I even put my pants on, but I knew I had to get out and attempt the drive before I stayed here and missed him all day.  So I found my pants, put my oatmeal bowl in the wash and popped on the wig before I headed out the door.  

I was amazed to find that I was surprisingly calm and relaxed as I walked towards the car.  I sat down, found the GPS, adjusted the seat to short person status, picked from the sparse collection of cd's (because my mp3 player doesn't work with the Itrip and all Rob had was hard core stuff so I choose the little wayne- lesser of evils if you can imagine), and started off on my way.  I drove out of my neighborhood and I admit, I started feeling a little exhilarated.  

Don't worry, I was still in the driveway 

Here I am, Shay Shay La Shay, driving around in the car that my man left me; leaving from the house we live in together; and shopping for things to make it our own.  I mean, I am still sad in every way because he is gone, but I had to focus on the big picture, and the big picture is this- My life is good.  I have the love of my life, a nice house, a nice car and while things might not be EXACTLY how I want them, they are wonderful.

 "So stop being a cry baby Shaina"

So, what shall I do with my 59 more days?  

Today was Rough...My Id is leading me

Today was a rough day for me.  My first thought upon opening my eyes was, "This is not going to be a good day".  I hit the snooze button on my alarm and canceled my normal workout routine for a few extra minutes of sulking sleeping.  If ever someone woke up in the wrong bed on the wrong side of the mattress it was me on this day. It was 7:15 when I finally got up, threw on Rob's sweats (first sign of my emotional state...wearing Rob's clothes), an ugly but comfy top, and my workout shoes, for the start of what was sure to be a shit day.  I thought talking to my family would help, but it just made me feel worse and that conversation ended with hidden cloudy watery eyes.  


I practiced French on my Ipod while walking to work but felt no satisfaction.  I was in "Don't you dare speak to me" mode and everyone picked up on it.  I felt lonely as soon as I opened my eyes, and the only thing I had to look forward to was the fact that I was going to see my Rob tomorrow.  That's right...WAS.  Right smack in the middle of my day Robert tells me that he has to work this weekend and he will be unable to come see me.  Wasn't that the icing on my shitty ass day cake?? Yep.  You know what happened right?  I sat there staring at the computer screen while the tears just dropped on my desk.  Not angry tears, just a sheer disappointment that I could NOT shake.  This makes nearly 3 weeks that I wont see him.  I could have crawled up and died somewhere.  For the rest of the conversation I pulled it together and pretended like all was well, but there really was nothing that he could say to soothe me; I was gone at "I got bad news".  To be fair, it wasn't all his fault, the day began as shit and he just added another huge turd.  So technically I can't blame him but who gives a fuck about technicalities I am still disappointed.  When he finally had to go to work and could no longer try to pacify me like the big baby that I am chat with me, I put my head on the desk and had the watery eyes until I fell asleep.  Poor Robert sometimes.


Lately I feel really alone.  Don't get me wrong, Korea is awesome and I am surrounded by people that I truly like but they don't understand my particular brand of Bitch they don't know me on that BFF level.  All of my inside jokes and funny stories are with Robert, but since he is my significant other, I can not solely rely on him as my source of friendship and fun.  To be honest, the only person that I could call a BF is Ciara because she is a bitch too is similar to myself in many ways, but she has her boyfriend here and since she has been here for so long, the novelty of Korea has worn off for her.  Such is life.  But if she didn't live next door I'd be lost; truthfully.  Everyone at home has their own lives and their own issues and I feel very disconnected.  So as far as exploration and excitement I am all alone as everyone already has a BF.  Its like I know everyone but have no one.  Make sense?  Not that I give a shit if you don't get me.


Even though I had to force myself with all that I could muster, I worked out when I came home.  I gave myself a facial and baked the cookies that I was supposed to bake for my Robert, and I gave them to Ciara.  I cleaned a little, did my nails, and now I'm watching another horror movie.  So I didn't beat the shit out of anyone like I wanted to the day wasn't as bad as it could have been and now I am feeling better.  I remembered that I am overly emotional this week because of EVE's bitch ass life in general and I have to get myself under control.  Now I just have to shut down my Id(see bottom)  and stop giving into all the emotions I feel, which today were irritation, sadness, and disappointment.  Luckily I cried out my feelings instead of eating them.  I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but Saturday was to be spent with my love...so I must fill up that time so that sadness wont set in.  DISTRACTIONS PLEASE!


Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow will be better.  Please don't let anyone fuck with me tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be better. 

ID (if you dont know psychological terms)- The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, water, sex, and basic impulses. It is amoral and selfish, ruled by the pleasure–pain principle; it is without a sense of time, completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and is not able to take "no" for an answer. It is regarded as the reservoir of the libido or "instinctive drive to create" 


And my Id is a muthaf*cker sometimes out of control.

Gunsan and Almost 25- 2 blogs in 1

This weekend I found myself in Gunsan to visit Robert. Gunsan is where the base is located and its pretty much a fishing city. Really calm and laid back. He couldnt come until Saturday morning so I stayed in the big bed at the PIANO MOTEL all by my lonesome. I had such a good time. I walked around the room playing with all the buttons and exploring the room until I finally took a shower and collapsed on the bed. I drank a bottle of Soju and watching some random TV shows until I fell asleep. When Robert Finally on saturday morning we did what we always do; we lay around in the bed for maybe 5 hours just talking until it was time to get up and eat. We decided to make a documentary of our ridiculous lives and we started with Gunsan, see the first video here. It was so much fun. Our weekend consisted of lying in the bed, walking around aimlessly, and being almost in complete sync with the random thoughts we were thinking. We had fantastic chinese food and we also went to Dasarang. The piano motel was FABULOUS!!! If you stay in Gunsan, you must try these places. Gunsan exploration weekend= SUCCESS!!!


A few pics of my week and weekend...







Almost 25



Ok, there are a few things I am going to be working on this year. 24 was a year of complete change for me. I changed my attitude, the way I looked, the place I called home, and ultimatley the entire direction my life was going. It was a HUGE year for me and for the better. In 2 days I will be 25. While the birthday festivities are going to be awesome, I am super excited about the things I am going to be tackling for my 25th year of existence. They are as follows:

>Prissy-
It is my sincere wish to be just a little less high maintenence. While part of me will always have some feeling of being saditty lol, I want to be less worried about minute things. More "one with the earth" as my dad used to say

> Of a schedule freak-
Anyone who knows me knows that I am quite obsessive about a plan. While I have become much better at this during the 24th year, It is definitely something that I am going t have to continue to work on. I become noticeably pissed when plans don't work out. I want to be more flexible and more "go with the flow"-ish. It will be an ongoing battle!

185-
This year I will hit my goal of 185. That is about 45 more lbs in addition to the 50 I have already lost! No need to say more about that. Starting with 10 lbs in the month of September. Excluding the first weekend because I'm going to be DRUNK! 185--Its going to happen...period

Documentation of things other than myself-
I plan to take a picture of something awesome that isn't me! lol! I would like to say one for each day of 25, but that's not going to happen. So I am going to say each week. I tried to take a picture of myself everyday for 2010 and it sooo didn't happen, so this time I am going to take pictures of some other things. My goal is at least 52. I'm calling it "My 25th year on film" Hold me to it OK! Also plan on getting close to finishing part one of my Book about myself and my Robert.; Mood Music. I want to write so bad. I am even thinking about writing a short story about each picture.

Finish My Korea ScrapBook-
For some reason, I never finish my scrapbooks. This time, I have to document all things Korean for my kids Robert III and Sherbet lol (horrible inside joke).

Well these are the major tings on my mind that I plan to add to my life. 2 to continue on my journey to being a better person; 1 to continue my journey to being a healthier and happier person; and 2 to continue to nurture my creative side.

And now I must saw farewell, until we meet again!

I have Reappeared

So I realize that I have disappeared for some time so I am back for a moment. Let's see, whats new with me.

Went out this past weekend with Rob for his friends birthday and it was pretty interesting. the whole thing was badly thrown together and every time we arrived somewhere it seemed like there was something else wrong. Not to mention it was raining. There were some Bright sides here though:

BRIGHT SIDE 1. I didn't say one damn thing. I despise when there is no plan. Like I want to stab someone. But this weekend was not about me so I tried my hardest to shut the hell up. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? But I think I did very well. Even when they sent us to a town with no place to meet in the pouring rain which ended up getting us into quite the heated argument with the taxi driver. Still... nothing from Shaina. Luckily, Rob was just as pissed off and it was his decision to leave early (although the look on my face had to tell him that that was definitely what we needed to do)

BRIGHT SIDE 2. We looked good. Like fresh off the red carpet good. My dress was a hot topic to me. I'd never quite worn a dress like that so I was a bit nervous about what it was going to look like. I even thought people were bullshitting me when they said it was going to look great. Paranoia. But it did in fact look awesome and I was real happy that I chose to wear it. We even matched by accident. And Robs suit looked great.


And all was well that night when we got back into our suite and sat up talking for like 2 hours.


The weekend before found me on the pole at a local Korean Dance club called FROG RAIN, even though keep calling it FROG DANCE lo.. Me and rob ventured off and had hookah and Calmegi before we went to that little spot. Very nice indeed. Right up until aKorean girl thought I was gay and tried to attack me and rob. WTF. Always a funny story though.

Work has been interesting and since we are doing the intensive program. it has been pretty intensive. I'm not a fan of teaching history in a foreign language because history is boring to kids no matter what the language. Bastards! I can't wait until I am just teaching library once again.

I feel so disconnected from my friends and family back home. There is so much to say all the time, that I just end up saying nothing at all. "hey whats new" is always my question, but when the question is asked of me there is always so much. I wish I had a BFF of my very own in Korea. I have a lot of friends, but not a BFF, like Keyonna, that I could always roll with and complain to all the time. I miss my Saturday morning tea and shit talk. I miss my late night couch sessions, and I miss our flyer than life outtings to the movies (AKA "fly for no reason" as we liked to call it"). I miss driving and I miss NOT sweating. I'm not sad, just a little nostalgic. I need someone that I can just be myself around all the time. But I can still honestly say I love it here.

This weekend I will probably go out all night once again. Rob is ditching me this weekend for some dorm clean up which actually sounds like bullshit but whatever. I will spring clean my house, even though it isnt spring, and maybe do a little redecorating. I also have some scrapbooking that needs to be DONE because I have more pictures now lol. Hmmm other than that, I think that is all for this glorious update!!! Adios