My relationship with food

I was watching the movie "Limitless" today and there was a scene where the guy had just purchased a huge bacon egg and cheese bagel before he walks in and sees his friend shot in the chest.  He immediately drops all the bags in his hands and my first thougt was :

He should DEFINITELY pick up that bagel and get to eating!!!

Sick right?  Right now I am exactly .5 lbs of the way to my first major weight loss goal ! Can you believe it?  After all this time!  Finally about to hit the goal...but all I can think about is food.  I go on Pinterest and look up all the foods I cant wait to eat when I get off this diet. I think about the kind of foods that I want to cook, throwing dinner parties, and eating out whenever I want.  Is this pathetic?  I don't think so.

Eating is a wonderful thing!!  I have noticed that the things I crave have changed drastically.  I no longer just want the burger and fries, or the big ass bag of potato chips, but I have started to crave more healthy yet savory foods.

Im craving things like baked Zucchini and eggplant Lasagne.  Like chicken teriyaki and BLT's with slow roasted tomatoes.  YUM!

So I am glad to say that while I am still completely in love with food, and I want to eat it all the time lol, I also notice that my eating habits and desires have changed for the better.  YAY FOR PROGRESS!!!

(I still want that damn bagel though)


WHAT DO YOU CRAVE?

Maybe It's Me...

Being new to England, I try to get out as much as I can and being that I don't know anything about the area and I suck at driving, I tend to have to go out with other people.  I am usually such a people person- I can generally get along with anyone.  But on these last few outings I have completely hated the people I went out with, but then I wonder ..."is it me".  

Last weekend I went out with a bunch of children.  They were between 20 and 23 but when you are in the military with no responsibilities, that really subtracts about 2 or 3 years from your maturity age.  Which makes it even worse because while I don't know a specific "maturity age" for myself, I ALWAYS handle my business and I plan everything to the last detail.  Even with the information that the birthday girl herself was only turning 21 I had faith that the alcohol would put the ages a little closer together- How wrong I was.  These people got drunk off their asses, disappeared, we couldn't find the hotel, my boyfriends friend Brian (birthday girls boyfriend and Robs co-worker) ended up ditching as all because the chick thought he was flirting with us and started slapping him around right before she threw up in the limo.  

Can we say RUINED WEEKEND??  Then we had to find our way back to Cambridge.  None of these assholes could even find a ride for us and once we got back to the base, no one was volunteering to take me home "take a taxi"- FUCK YOU ALL.  So I had to call someone...the chick who has only been here for a month was able to get someone to pick us up but they couldn't, how about that shit.  Throughout this whole ordeal I had to play the mommy role, come up with suggestions, make decisions, and get shit done, as always.  By the end of the weekend everyone had gotten a thorough Shaina curse out to take home with them.  

 

Fast forward to yesterday.  Robs other friend, Freddy, invited me to go out with him and his friend to the mall for some shopping and some Movie watching.  Now I actually  like this dude; he is reliable and seriously full of energy...SERIOUSLY, so I was excited to go out with them.  The day finally arrives and I meet the friend.  she comes in the house and I say my usually happy-go-lucky  "HELLO" and she says nothing- First sign that I wasn't going to like her.  When you walk into a house and you are meeting someone for the first time you should acknowledge them personally when they say hello.  Then 3 minutes later Freddy actually remembers to introduce us and she gives a weak "Hi", so I just nod.  At this point I was still going to try to give her a second chance.  I told myself that I was being too judgemental and I should chill out.  We get in the car and I immediately take the front seat, I wasn't going to but hey, fuck her- establish dominance.  I try to have a conversation or two with her but all she can talk about is her 7 year sex hiatus (she should have killed herself) her stalker ex husband, and how he wont give her custody of her daughter.  

Now I am NOT a monster and that is a sucky situation, but EVERYONE is dealing with shit.  I wasn't going out so I could listen to someone complain and sit there and stare at pictures on their phone all damn day.  Again, I'm not evil, but I also have very little contact with the outside world from my little house in the country and when I do meet people and go out, I want to have FUN.  I want to talk shit about people, laugh, and look fly (I did look fly though).  

I miss my girls.  I haven't had true ride or die girl friends since phoenix (a few in Korea but not really long enough to get to the ride or die point) and since I can't bring my Skype to the bar, maybe I should give up.  Back the the original point, maybe it's me.  I was actually wondering this for a minute.  Am I just too judgemental and hard on the people that I've been meeting?  The answer is HELL NO.  The weekend from hell with all the drunk young people, yea the deserve to be hated.  The chick who did absolutely nothing but complain the whole day and the only time she smiled is when she was laughing at something that she didn't tell us about, yea she deserves to be disliked as well.  So no, it's not me, it's all these other people who SUCK ASS.  

I just want some normal girl friends who are like minded.  Some women who went to college and have aspirations and goals, want to travel, want to keep their bodies healthy and happy, and can sit over a glass of wine and have intelligent conversation that doesn't include or revolve around man bashing.  There has either been drama or complaining on both weekends and I am not up for it.  I need to be uplifted and not have my emotions dragged down because I feel sorry for someone.  

Anyway, I have run my mouth enough.  Sadly, I don't see this changing any time soon so I better just get used to it.  I can just stick it out in the house until Rob comes back and then we can go off and meet new people together.  But at the end of the day, I miss home.  

AVADA KADAVRA~ Saying Goodbye

This week marks the end of something that I hold near and dear to my heart.  The end of the love affair I've had with the boy beneath the stairs.  The end of my not so silent obsession with finding a way to NOT be a muggle anymore. The end of the sensation I feel knowing that a new one is coming out.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, this week marks the end of Harry Potter.

Let me first start with a small ode to why I love Harry Potter in the first place 

*Que Harry Potter Music NOW*

When I first heard the rave about this book I was immediately intrigued.  I, who loved the Wizard of Oz and basically anything to do with magic, stole the book from my cousin (who we were living with at the time because we were so broke) and read until she came in and snatched it away from me.  Later that day, I begged my parents to buy me the book so I could have it for my very own.  I know what you're thinking, "why didn't you go to the library" well I do not like my books to have a crease in the Spine.  DONT JUDGE ME.  So I was content to wait until we had enough money to spare on my little obsession.  The wait didn't last long and soon I was sitting at the table pounding through Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone in 3 hours.

Enter Crackheadish Obsession--

JK Rowling had definitely found a new cult follower at that point.  I was entranced.  I don't just love it because of the story, but the literary beauty of it as well.  Even back then at the tender age of 14 I had a real respect for the craft of writing.  Not only was the story brilliant and the characters so easy to connect with, Rowling had created an entire world within a world.  The magical world had Classism (mudblood), a different colloquial language, a hierarchy or power, and so many other things that made one actually believe that there really was a Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  This was easy because most of the followers really wanted it to exist anyway.  I also love that people actually die in the books.  I know that might sound ridiculous, but in real life people die.  It hurts and it sucks but the reality of the series was something else that kept me coming back.

I was able to lose myself in the books at a time when things were not going so well in my real like.  We had just moved to Charlotte and out of my cousins house, money was tight, and stress levels were high.  I guess you could say the books helped me get away from what was happening in my real life.  My parents, who always supported my book or movie obsessions, knew how much I loved it.  For Christmas that year, even though money was tight, I got Harry Potter 2 AND 3!  And yes, I cried.  No matter what, my parents always sacrificed to try to make sure I got the things I wanted, and I guess it helped that it didn't take much to make me happy.  A couple of books and some pretty pens and I am golden.

And that feeling never went away.  With every new book or new movie, I get that intense emotional rush.  Not just a rush of excitement, but also the knowledge of what it stood for all this time.  It was an escape; a place that I could lose myself.  I am the kind of person who feels what characters feel in movies and books.  I get completely invested.  I cry when they are sad, and my heart flutters when they are happy, and I can vividly see the world as they do (which is why I like books better).  It was something I could look forward to.

So this weekend will be the last time I feel that way.  The last book hurt, but at least I still had the rest of the movies.  This is the last movie.  The last time I will stay up all night and get inline for the 12am showing.  The last time I think about what costumes to wear to the movie.  Its Bittersweet but I am excited about letting go.  Its been a wonderful 12 years and I can say that I am ready to say goodbye.  Thank you JK Rowling for giving me friends in a new world, excitement, heartache, and keeping me young.  After all, who even thought I would see the last movie in ENGLAND!  What a great life I lead!

And yes... I'm crying right now...

Weed French Fries

Who knew?  Who the hell knew?  I KNEW...  I've been saying it.

"French Fries are like crack, man"-Shaina circa 1922

But who knew I picked the wrong illegal yet addictive substance to pin my obsession on?  A recent study found that snacks like potato chips and french fries have a marijuana like called Endocannabinoids.   Commence snickering with references to all the terms for weed - cannibus, endo, ect.

I bet you're wondering where the hell I found this picture! ha!

Sounds funny  huh?  Maybe, but to us rehabilitated Carbo addicts it makes a lot of sense.

"My name is Shaina, and I'm a Carbo-holic"~~~HI SHAINA~

"In their study, the Piomelli team discovered that when rats tasted something fatty, cells in their upper gut started producing endocannabinoids. Sugars and proteins, the researchers noted, did not have this effect.

The process starts on the tongue, where fats in food generate a signal that travels first to the brain and then through a nerve bundle called the vagus to the intestines. There, the signal stimulates the production of endocannabinoids, which initiates a surge in cell signaling that prompts the wanton intake of fatty foods, Piomelli said, probably by initiating the release of digestive chemicals linked to hunger and satiety that compel us to eat more."

Well would you look at that shit. I mean that's quite compelling as far as dietary information is concerned.  Granted, we all know that those snacky food suck, but I love to find out the science behind why a Spade is a Spade- especially when I am trying to throw my cards in (if you didn't get that metaphor...)!  The study also mentions that the need to consume fat comes from a primal part of our bodies (as animals) because its needed for proper cell functioning.  In the wild, these fat are not readily accessible, yet for us, it's as easy as picking up the phone.  THIS is what actually leads to obesity. (See original article here)

So not only do these foods taste delicious, are filing, and completely bad for you (those nasty Carbs I mean) they are also laced with crack (crack is my go to drug when I am talking junk, yes, I do know this blog is about mary jane).  Just like Krispy Kreme.  They are out to get me!  #FML

What is your "go to" carb of choice?

Driving Miss Shaisy

As I muted the tv to listen to the 4th car drive past, I thought to myself "Shaina, he isnt coming back".  He wasn't pulling into the drive way and he hadn't run to the store- he's gone for 2 months and there is nothing you can do about it.  So I got my mind together and set off to take a little trip into town.  

This was my first attempt at driving alone, not to mention that I have only driven to this store once before.  Needless to say I was nervous and continued to pace the floor for at least 20 minutes before I even put my pants on, but I knew I had to get out and attempt the drive before I stayed here and missed him all day.  So I found my pants, put my oatmeal bowl in the wash and popped on the wig before I headed out the door.  

I was amazed to find that I was surprisingly calm and relaxed as I walked towards the car.  I sat down, found the GPS, adjusted the seat to short person status, picked from the sparse collection of cd's (because my mp3 player doesn't work with the Itrip and all Rob had was hard core stuff so I choose the little wayne- lesser of evils if you can imagine), and started off on my way.  I drove out of my neighborhood and I admit, I started feeling a little exhilarated.  

Don't worry, I was still in the driveway 

Here I am, Shay Shay La Shay, driving around in the car that my man left me; leaving from the house we live in together; and shopping for things to make it our own.  I mean, I am still sad in every way because he is gone, but I had to focus on the big picture, and the big picture is this- My life is good.  I have the love of my life, a nice house, a nice car and while things might not be EXACTLY how I want them, they are wonderful.

 "So stop being a cry baby Shaina"

So, what shall I do with my 59 more days?  

Only Bad Witches Are Ugly

Hello Bloggie boos. Missed me?  I know I have been AWOL on blog content but shit has been real in 31 main street Hockwold.  But, good stuff first~~~

ANNIVERSARY~
We had the BEST anniversary 3 day weekend.  Let's start with Friday.  After I practiced driving (getting better by the way) we picked up some Vodka and Baileys and had some luscious White Russians in the Conservatory.  We hung out at home and stayed up all night listening to and talking about music.  Saturday we got up early and made some sexy breakfast; Eggs, hashbrowns, bacon and toast.  Yum yum!  There is a video of that somewhere I am sure... Anyway, then we went on base and went skating!  AHHH I havent been on skates in years!  At least 5, it was so much fun.  I am sure I would have had even more fun if I was dressed appropriately but hey, I loved it.  Not to mention, ya boy got some moves on those skates... Heeeeeeeeyyyy boooooo.  Later we bought a grill and had lunch.  I had this wonderful Chicken Kabob with fries and ...drum roll... HUMUS!  My new first love.  We came home, watched some "RJ BERGER" and got dressed for a night out but revisited the idea of going over to meet the neighbors.  So nervously, we walked over to the neighbors house and introduced ourselves.  They were sooooooo nice.  I wasnt expecting them to invite us in, feed us wine and rolled ciggys and just kick back with us, but I was glad they did.  Feels good to know I live beside some awesome people.  Anyway, we left there late as hell- maybe 10:30 and then went on a mission to find the seediest and most trifling looking club... and yes we succeeded! HOWEVER!!! On the way there we got pulled over for nothing, but just a warning thankfully.  We hung out there for some hours before stopping by the base for some more alchy and wouldn't you know.... PULLED OVER AGAIN! Lord it was a night of firsts.  And you wont believe it, but on the way home we saw a huge Dalmatian running full speed towards the car.  I mean full gallop in the middle of the road!  We thought we were going to come home to a house on fire, but all was well.  We proceeded to get drunk and profess our love to each other over and over again... On video (and no you can't see it lol).  I just realized that we crossed something else off the list- Make a video!  And boy was it a good one.

Sunday we BBQ-ed and did nothing else.  Sunday we ate.  That was it.  Food!  Burgers, shrimp kabobs, brats, banana bread, chicken.  Jesus it was a lot of food, and we smashed it and fell asleep at like 9 pm!  Awesome huh?  Monday was great though!!!  I got to go and see WICKED!!!! BWAH!!!  It was freaking fantastic!  Something else I can cross off our list of things to do.  We had to rush through dinner but we made it with time to spare and a very teary eyed Shaina got to see the show she has been waiting to see for about 5 years!  It was a great night!

Our grill

Big Ben

So on to the not so awesome stuff.  
Rob is leaving for 2 months to go to Greece.  It sucks big time.  I just got here.  Not coming back until September 1 which means fuck my birthday.  Fuck my life and fuck his job for being so rude.  Yes, I AM a little pissy about it.  So pissy, in fact, that I have refused to even write/talk about it because I dont want to hear anyone's sad fucking pity party.  I am pitiful enough, trust me.  But tomorrow is the day.  Im pretty sure I have been a bitch for most of the week simply because I am sad about the whole thing.  And more things keep coming up to make me even more pissy.  Por ejemplo, we were supposed to stay up all night tonight before he leaves for his flight, but they tell him yesterday that his flight is at 6:50 in the damn am!  The air port is 2 hours away.  You have to be there 2 hours early for international.  That ends our all nighter at about 2 am.  FUCK YOU ITINERARY!

So thats the reason I've been awol and will probably continue to be for a while (unless it have a total opposite effect and I just start writing all the time!).  All is well.  I have come to terms with it.  It sucks, but just like all the other bullshit we go through, there is nothing we can do about it so I have to just get over it, and at the end, we will come back even stronger.  Like a mothereffin PHOENIXLOVE! .  So 2 months of finding random shit to do... here I come.  I know one thing, in 2 months this house will be decked OUT!  He is leaving me the money, the car, and executive rights over this love chalet's decorations.  I can't wait to dig it!  I love him- especially through the hard times.

Dinners, Desserts, and Housegirlfriendery --Whats up with Shay

Hi boo's!  Its time for a new edition of "Whats up with Shay".  This has been my first full week in the country and so far I am loving it.  Here's what Ive been up to.

Cooking and overall Housegirlfriendery--
Ahhh the joys of the Kitchen.  I have really been having a great time coming up with healthy recipes and delectable treats for myself and the Honeypie.  I mean really loving it.  So far my days have been filled with cooking, exercise, Practicando Espanol, a movie or 2, reading, cleaning, and soon it will be filled with writing and trying to sell my work to magazines.  Now is the time to finally start doing all the things I used to say I didn't have time for; especially writing.  And yes, I'm lame.  I like getting up in the morning and making breakfast and lunch for the honey.  Thinking about what to make for dinner.  Not to mention, I now have a menu board!  AHHHHHHH lookey lookey!

Now YOUS GUYS can call me cheesy all you want but I love it (In my Italian accent)  That is the menu for tonight's dinner.  See the glory here lol.

In the oven right now yum

And if the honeypie remember the ice cream I will make another batch of those glorious Pizzookies:

Hell I might make them even without the Ice Cream.

Fitness---
It seems like the fitness goddess is having a momentary (lets just say what it really is; 2 - 3 weeks) lapse in fitness judgement and enjoying cooking and eating!!!

Don't worry your little head though - Soon I will be back to my food conscious over exercising self.
I mean, I was in a country where I could hardly EVER get what I want!  The options just weren't there.  But now, I can have whatever my heart desires and its been desiring quite a lot.  ESPECIALLY HUMUS.

Which brings me to our next topic.

This weekend--
I had such a great time this past weekend.  On Friday night we went into town and dined at the ZEN NOODLE BAR.  It was very nice.  Not quite upscale but definitely posh (like my UK lingo).  There, we had a kind of fusion Chinese dinner.  And we looked great!

THEMS SOME SEXY FOLKS

Ahhh I know...Sexy much!  Saturday we went to Cambridge and ventured to see "Bad Teacher".  It was hilarious.  We had dinner at a spot called Nandos where I started with... you guessed it... HUMUS!!!  We also played a heavy game of table hockey and it was ROUGH!  I pretty much kicked ass but Rob managed to talk his way into being the winner.  THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT!  My blog, my truths lol.  Sunday we went for a lovely drive and ended up doing a little shopping and having lunch before coming home and talking to Ashley for 127 hours and having some nice drinks.  My first weekend= Awesome.


So there it is... more specifics to come---

And dinner was awesome.

Pinterest.com and 32 truths!

I ran across this picture on www.pinterest.com (my new favorite thing in the world)- Random interjection about pinterest- its a place where you can save all kind of awesome stuff like recipes, clothes, sayings, dresses, ect.  I mean anything you can think of.  I am not doing justice, so you have to just check it out!  Its awesomeness.  Check out my pinterest boards here.  AND... its invite only. Only for awesome people!  hahahaha! If you are interested I will send you an invite!  Trust me you want to.

Anyway, I saw this and I HAD to share the awesomeness with you.

Tell me, which one is your favorite??  For me its #11, #16, # 22, and 29.

Engagement rings

I just read a post about Kim Kardashian's new engagement ring and wanted to vomit chunks.  Its 20.5 carats and it cost 2 million dollars.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!  Some girls might swoon at the idea of such a thing, but I am not impressed.

Love is not determined by the size of the rock on your finger.  You don't multiply the size of the rock to find out how long you will be married.  And when shit gets rough...that rock will not hold you together.

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr----

Hit the breaks real quick though.  Now I am NOT saying that I don't want some pretty little tidbit on my finger.  Every girl has walked past the 2 or 3 carat and fallen in love at first "Try- on -even-though-you-know-you-not-buying-it".  I mean, that princess cut solitaire is always calling my name.  I would be lying if I said it didn't.  But at the same time, I would happily accept a ring pop, or an empty box with an IOU inside.  Why?  Because when the mood to ask me for my gorgeous hand strikes, I don't want the absence of a ring or the lack of money for what is deemed a "sufficient" ring, to postpone it.

If you know me, you know I like to be fly.  I like the flyest shoes, the hottest clothes, the most unique make-up and the prettiest jewelry.  EVERYONE knows this.  But in this case, I think a little differently.  When it comes to love, I prefer things straight from the heart- a letter, a home made card, an oven because I am obsessed with baking- those things matter.  At the end of the day, those are the things I will remember, not how much he spent on it.  The Tiffany necklace that I love an adore so much was almost completely outdone by the poem he wrote on the card.  I had to just remind myself of which holiday it was, but I remember the card word for word and it still makes me giggle like an infant.

I want a ring with a story.  Maybe it is surrounded by Jade because green is my favorite color.  Maybe it was in an antique store and it belonged to some old couple.  Maybe it was the only one he thought I would like.  Stories matter.  Love matters.  Carats don't.

I hate this obsession with the materialistic side of marriage.  People are always saying such negative things about marriage but maybe if they focused on the things that actually matter BEFORE they got married, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic...

Scale Junkie

I check out a number of weight loss blogs, magazines, and journals so that I can stay abreast of new information and changes that are occurring in the world.  Not to mention that I like to get my motivation from different avenues.  One of the blogs I read posted something about "stepping off the scale".  She talked about how much a woman's body can fluctuate on a day to day basis and how mentally taxing it is to see the scale go up and down.  She also discussed the fact that for most people, the number on the scale is a direct reflection of self worth, how hard you've been working, and how close you are to your goals.  At the end of the post, her point was quite clear; stop weighting yourself everyday.

Hmmmm let's discuss this shall we?

Things I already know
I thoroughly agree that weighing yourself everyday can be a serious problem for your self esteem because of the consistent state of change occurring inside a womans body. I can attest to this first hand, and even as we speak I am trying to remind myself that these 6lbs I put on are due to TOM and not reflecting a truth.  I know that the scale is a hijo de puta.  I know that muscle weighs more than fat and you can be going hard and losing fat but the scale doesn't reflect that.

I also know, for me personally, getting on that scale everyday puts me in check.  I know that the number on that little machine can determine if its going to be the cream chicken or the salad.  I have reaped the benefits of weighing myself everyday and seeing the numbers go down consistently (big motivator).  Contrarily, I became super sized because I wasn't conscious of my weight everyday and how different foods affected my body.

My final thoughts on it
While not weighing everyday sounds good in theory, the problem is, I didn't get into this weight loss and fitness thing to be healthy and make better choices; those things were picked up along the way.

Its not about healthy, its about skinny...

Sad to say, this was and is STILL my philosophy about my personal journey.  Now I know that all the weight-loss gurus and ex-fattys will go on and on about how making healthy choices and changing your lifestyle should take precedent.  Yea Yea Yea.  Tell it to someone who doesn't know the truth.  EVERYONE who starts on these massive weight-loss journeys has one thought in mind; Looking damn good (with the exception of people who are in danger because of their health).

With that said, my working out everyday and eating right could go to hell for all I care.  Whats important to me is getting to the weight and size I want.  Period.  Two pieces, belly shirts, skin tight dresses!  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I am running and biking for hours and kicking some ass with my level of physical activity, but its all for the end result- BUILT-NESS-ITY (thats my goal, builtnessity).  SICK-BODIED-NESS.

I think this is why I am obsessed with the scale.  Trust me, I wish I wasn't.  I wish I was one of those people that were content with just KNOWING they were doing the right thing, but I'm not.  I like to see it.  I know the downfalls.  I know body fluctuations.  I know water retention.  I know PMS.  I know women's bodies suck.  Yea, I know all of that.  But I also know that I am weak when to comes to food, and MR. Sonofabitch scale keeps me from falling victim to gooey goodness or salty satisfaction.  I don't lie and try to pretend that I am not still mentally fat.  I will take a cheeseburger and fries over something relatively healthy any day!  I know staying away from that stuff is due self control and not the scale, but the two are somewhat intertwined in my world.

While everyone might not need to be a scale junkie, I do.  In a relationship you have to accept the ups and the downs.  For better or for worse right?

"Do you Shaina take this scale to be a huge part of your weight loss?  Do you accept the fact that some days he will bring you up, and some days he will bring you down?  Some days he will allow you to dip your hand in the chip bag, and some days he will tell you that only lettuce is allowed?  Sometimes he will lie.  Sometimes he will ruin your entire day.  But he is one of the best things that will happen to you.  Will you honor and obey?"


"I do"


So, What do you think?  I would love to hear opinions on this.  To weigh or not to weigh... That is my question???  

Tranquilo

Hoy fue un dia muy estresante.  No me gusta hoy.  Queria martar a todos.  Los ninos, mis amigos; todas.   Pero...yo tenia recordar...TRANQUILO.

As is usually the case, the days before my time of the month (hitherto referred to as TOM) find me being unable to fall asleep at night.  I have no idea why but it happens.  I lie in bed trying to fall asleep and nothing happens for hours.  Once I finally fall asleep, its about 4 am and the idea of waking up sounds murderous.  "iewuhfisdfnfnj"-- that might as well be what my Korean alarm sings at 7 am telling me that it is time for a workout.  I was livid.  I didn't even hit snooze, but dared the alarm to go off again- and it didn't (because I didnt have the snooze on lol but I like to think I am a bad ass).

At this point, the idea of a workout sounded like nails on a chalk board.  I could barely open my eyes.  I thought for sure that TOM would rear his head today but no such luck.  Waiting for that bastard is mentally worse than the physical pain I feel when he arrives.  The visual is important so that one can feel release from the madness that PMS (or PMDD in my case) brings.  Maybe tomorrow.

I made it through the day and managed not to step on anyones toes too much but I still had a foul attitude that I could do nothing about.  It definitely doesn't help that those 6lbs haven't disappeared yet either.  That has been on my mind.  So as promised, when I got home, I ventured to the gym with Ben.  Clothes on, shoes on, mp3 at the ready, only for me to get there and have them say that they don't do one month memberships.  Shaina is going to be in Korea for less than 30 days.  Finally, she would allow the one month for $80.  Get the F*** out of here lady.  So, a very disappointed and pissed off Shaina went home.

Now I sit here trying to fight tears- pointless tears might I add.  I am overwhelmed with thoughts like "my face is breaking out" "I wouldnt have gained weight if I had self control" "You must be weak if you let these TOM emotions get to you" "What do you mean you have no energy" and several more that are even worse.  I swear I wish I was a man.

Anyway.  Now I go and take a steaming hot shower, shave something (ANYTHING) so I feel sexy, get in a nice facial, pick out something decent to wear for tomorrow, and relax.  

Manana sera mejor......Anoche, es el tiempo de traquilmente. 

Stomach Bile and Potato Chips

Well hello my darlings!  I know I have been kind of AWOL but not to worry, that is all about to change.  My fingers have yearned for you.  And the title will make sense later.

Well, this past weekend was interesting to say the least and it resulted in me gaining 6 lbs!!  Impossible you say?  Well not so much with Mrs. Fatty McButterpants over here.

Friday was the going away party for Ciara, Christian, and I and it was at a Buffet.  A huge Buffet.  I wish I could say that's where most of the damage occurred, but unfortunately it was not.  While I definitely showed my ass in there, it was only the tippy top of the crack.  The real problems came later; with the alcohol.

In my quest to be more social and stop concentrating so much on losing weight, I decided to give a huge middle finger to all things healthy.  Not only did I act a fool at the buffet, but then I continued to define the word by getting butt booty drunk at Buzz.  It was NOT a game.  And about 30 minutes before I could get myself back to my apartment I was praying to the toilet Gods and coming face to liquid with stomach bile.  Real sexy Shay.

I love this Bob Marley shirt!

Ridiculous buffet-ness

Don't ask

Drunk

Drunker

Drunnker...

Drunkkkerrr

Phillip fits right in at Cheongju English Center

Epic Ted and I at Buzz

As you can imagine by looking at the pictures, Saturday was truck loads of fun (insert sarcastic face here).  I awoke to the memory of calling Rob and professing my undying love for him; Lord have mercy on my drunken soul.  And since I am hard core, I didn't even take it back when he brought it up! THUG LIFE!!  

Saturday was full of carbs as I went and had the most fabulous pasta bread bowl at Noriter which is in Shinnae. 

Hey you see that salad on the side???!! Heck yea

As if that wasn't enough, I then went to see Pirates 4 and had a wonderful bowl of popcorn and apple pies from Burger King.  Then I went home to try to sleep off some more of the hang over which didn't work.  Later, I went to Pearl Jam and had dinner and tried to wait for Jess's going away party to start, but I could not sit there for an hour.  The longer I sat there, the more sickly I felt after the monstrous philly cheese steak and fries.  FML.  So I went home and watched a movie and fell asleep at 11:30 :(

Sunday was a movie day for us Globalvillers, so after I had a nice huge bowl of sugary cereal I went and bought 3 different kinds of chips to mix with poporn for the movie marathon.  Thats right ...THREE.  And washed it all down with 4 slices of pizza.  

O

M

G

Needless to say, I am back on the right track but I now have to get off the counterproductive lbs.  But...its was a helluva weekend...

White Ain't right (especially when its supposed to be black)

I always joke with my white friends that "white ain't right and black don't crack".  I am far from the "soul sista with the fist raised" when it comes to being a black woman and I try not to take to heart the blatant preference for lighter skin over darker skin, however, I can not let this slide.

Do you remember this adorable clip from sesame street about the little black girl that loved her hair in all different fashions?  Please watch!

It was cute and adorable, and black women everywhere were proud to be recognized in such a way and especially if they had daughters who could see it.  So of course, this wonderful pride had to be capitalized on.  This would not be a problem except for the fact that this is how FOREVER 21 chose to present her.

The original

Forever 21's shirt

WHAT THE HELL????  Do you notice a problem here?

The girl in the video that so many people identified with has been bleached to be more mainstream and TO LOOK MORE WHITE!  Its my damn blog and I do NOT have to be politically correct!  WTF is this shit?  High yellow girl with blue eye shadow is NOT how she was presented.  I would have been first in line to buy this shirt if it was actually a BLACK girl.  DARK SKIN!  CAN WE HAVE ANYTHING?  And look at the person modeling it!  Can you expect me to believe that SHE is rocking a frock of curly locks?  No ma'am.

If you know me, you know that race is not an issue for me.  Even as I have always been the token in my honors classes, deans lists, college classes, and professionally, I like black jokes, white jokes, gay jokes, straight jokes, (all except Christian jokes...leave my Jesus out of this) and anything else that you can dish out, but I hate feeling like I am not being represented in the world.  Fashion statements and boldness are two things I pride myself on and I would have loved to have this shirt to jazz up with heels and jewelry.  They ruined it for me.  Maybe I am over reacting and it isn't that serious but I am truly disappointed.

What do you think about this?  I would love to hear from all races about this.  Am I overreacting?

My Style Costs Too Much

I hate not being rich.  I think of all the fly clothes I could have and travelling that I want to do and I feel like I will never be able to afford the lifestyle I want.  Then I remember that I am only 25, with 6 years of college, 2 degrees, and a year overseas under my belt.  Not bad for a poor black girl from the Bronx.

My tastes have always surpassed my income, even from an early age.  So it comes as no surprise that just as I am able to afford what I liked before, my taste and style is changing.  Way to go Shaina.

*Sigh*  This is what I like now...

10.03.2010 by desdeportugal featuring denim skinny jeans

26.06.2010 by desdeportugal featuring striped handbags

21.07.2010 by desdeportugal featuring a cuff bracelet

If you click and check the prices you will be just as disappointed as I am.

But if you know anything about me, you know I am quite frugal when it comes to my number one habit...

COMMENCE COPY CATTING~~~

Never fear---DISCOUNT SHAINA IS HERE!  I am sure to find o so similar things in much less expensive stores.  Yes sir.  And it gives me even more motivation to get rid of all of my old crap and to keep at the working out!  EVERYTHING MUST GO!  Packing! Packing!

I realize that I have the greatest desire for the following things:

1. Travelling
2. New experiences
3. Being Fab at all times
4. Flat toned stomach
5. Enough money to have 1-4 and not worry about the bank

Yep. There it is.  And I realize that I have to have all these things even if I have to do them alone.

Step 1:  Find a Job...

23.07.2010 by desdeportugal featuring wide brim hats

Aye Que Lindo

Workout check in Video

People have been asking me about my routine.  Here is a video.  More detailed one to come later on tonight!

Barbie and Disney f***ed Us Up

So after my last post (my bad ya'll) I have been considering some things about body image and the way we look at ourselves.  Looking back, Disney and Barbie sold us images of ridiculously skinny, busty, no waist, long hair having Princesses and dolls starting from BIRTH.  I remember how obsessed I was with playing Barbie and how much I loved to make Barbie and Ken do it (I know... fast as hell).  I wanted Barbie hair as well.  And Disney??? Don't even get me started on them.  Disney creates the most distorted views of love in the minds of little girls everywhere.  Pushing the idea that "Some day my prince will come"... MY ASS.  Disney forgot to mention that he was going to be a cheater, quite possibly no education and be wearing gold fronts.  They also forgot to tell us that when we go to college we would decrease the number of suitable men that were available to us...or anything about college at all!!  What?? No Princess Harvard?  Not to mention, on the rare occasion that we do find a Prince, Disney didnt tell us that he would suck in certain areas and we would have to compromise in more areas than we would like to.  There was no "How to" book that told us that Prince Charming could also be Prince Asshole, Emperor Inconsiderate, or King Romanceless.  NOPE!!  Didn't tell me THAT part.   Yea I have so many bones to pick with them for that I need a whole damn skeleton.

I found this picture on line that I thought was excellent.  This is the difference that Barbie's body took on in the early 2000's.  Notice the smaller waist and the bikini looking ass.  And how many girls actually look like that. Hmmm I can answer that question... NONE !

Exhibit A- REAL life- size Barbie.This young lady had an eating disorder and decided it was time to take another look at some things... like Barbie.  Using the dimensions of an actual doll, she scaled them up to the proportions of a real person and this is what she came up with.  Taking the actual scaled dimensions (mathematically) into consideration,:

"If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe".  Get the F*** out of here !!!

She looks dumb as hell! Hahahahahahahahah!  This really cracks me up!  

Ok, now for the point we all know and love... Let's bring it on home Shay...

The view of beauty has been and continues to be distorted by all of the people in power to do so. 

But...  Let's be honest.  Only fat people really complain about it. HAHAHA!!  Ok, ok, ok... fat people and people that love fat people.  While I do not consider myself a fat girl anymore, I definitely don't consider myself skinny either.  The truth of the matter is, the media DOES control the perception of the majority of the world.  Like it or not.  You either fit the mold or you don't.  And I myself know that I have fallen victim to the majority if for no other reason than the fact that I didn't lose weight to be healthy, I did it to be fly.  Judge me if you choose.  Health was the last thing on my mind.  I was always healthy.  

So do I have self image issues because of the world we live in?? Sure as hell do.  But so does everyone else.  There are some skinny bitches walking around wishing they could gain a few pounds.  My neighbor wants bigger boobs.  My best friend wants a bigger ass.  My white friend wants a smaller ass.  We are all products of our environment and I'm sorry but "thin is in".  I applaud everyone who tries to show that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, I agree.  At the end of the day its all about your own personal perception.  I'm glad making this model helped this young lady get over her eating disorder.  But we don't want Barbie walking around looking like this do we.  

In case you are curious...Barbie facts for you reading pleasure (or disgust in my case)

• There are two Barbie dolls sold every second in the world.
• The target market for Barbie doll sales is young girls ages 3-12 years of age.
• A girl usually has her first Barbie by age 3, and collects a total of seven dolls during her childhood.
• Over a billion dollars worth of Barbie dolls and accessories were sold in 1993, making this doll big business and one of the top 10 toys sold.
• If Barbie were an actual women, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe.
• Barbie calls this a "full figure" and likes her weight at 110 lbs.
• At 5'9" tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 and fit the weight criteria for anorexia. She likely would not menstruate.
• If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
• Slumber Party Barbie was introduced in 1965 and came with a bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs with a book entitled "How to Lose Weight" with directions inside stating simply "Don't eat."--- (WTF)

Dear Diary...WHAT THE F*&$

I just stumbled upon a realization that wasn't so realized.  My goal- 185 lbs by the time I leave Korea- is not going to get accomplished.  I have worked my ass off.  I have done (ALMOST) everything right. Yet somehow, I am still 20+ lbs away from my ultimate.  How do I feel about that??

I'm Fucking Pissed.

I pretty much work my ass off and barely eat anything I want.  I exercise twice a day on most days and restrict my calories to SHIT.  I take Vitamins, I drink like a gallon of water, and I barely drink.  What the fuck is the problem! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.  No matter what I do, I never feel like its enough.  No matter how long I work out or how hard I go, I always feel like I could have done better; like I should be working harder.  It is just not fair.  Fuck everyone who can eat what they want all the time and stay rail thin.  I hope your damn hearts explode at 30.  I hope all of a sudden you just com-bust and turn into a big fat doughnut.  FUCK YOU  !  DIE  !  TO HELL WITH YOU  !!!


*HUGE SIGH*
Now that an hour has passed since I wrote that, I have calmed down quite a bit.  Still pissed off, but more rational.  BREATHING.

Ok.  When I first came to Korea I was about 227 (103 kg) and now I am at 95.5 (about 209) and that fluctuate between 96.0 (on cheat days) and 94.9 (on great days).  20 pounds in 10 months... O GREAT JOB SHAINA (cue sarcasm here).  I know I should be all "O I have accomplished so much" blah blah my asshole, but somewhere deep inside of me, the perfectionist/skinny girl will not let me feel that way.

I am proud of the health changes.  As a whole, they are considerably better than they were before.  I mean, I even love working out at home, whereas before, I was paying for a gym membership I was barely using (FAIL).  So yea, I am doing great there... but these pounds have got to go  !!!  THIS IS AN EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE  !!!! GET THE HELL OUT  !

So what happens now...

Now I realize that I leave here in 2 months (almost exactly) and I still have 20 lbs to lose before I reach my goal.  As the chronic and obsessive planner, I very rarely make a goal that I do not accomplish.  CASI NUNCA   !!!!  So this is kind of killing me.  2 months.  Thats about 10 lbs a month roughly which means that a severe ass kicking has to take place.  I have to go on an even more restricted diet and spend even more time working out.  Now I research vegetable cleanses and low carbs meals even more.  Now I restrict my fat Friday meal to KINDA fat Friday.  Now I go fucking crazy because that is what I do when I can't have something I want.  I go MAD.  IM THE MAD HATTER  !

AHHHHH DIOS MIO AYUDAME!

So now I am off to relax and try to sleep.  I just talked myself out of going SUPER-OVER0THE-EDGE-SHAINA-CRAZY like I usually do, but I am def going to LOCK IT UP a little more.  And people telling me to stop working so hard and stop worrying about it... GO TO HEL  L!! You have obviously never been fat before OR you are fat now and too stupid to care OR you dont love shopping and looking cute as much as I do.  Either way.  Leave me alone.  Fuck off  !  Have another drink, and eat another burger.  I will probably feel like shit about this post in the morning..... fuck it

To all of my readers, please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes as I can not go back and read this or it will just piss me off.  I wrote it as I thought it.  GOOD DAY!

The "Work in Progress" has Progressed

I was going through some of my old emails and getting rid of spam, and I found the link to my old blog on Xanga.  I was curious to see what I was thinking about back in 2009 and the first blog I read was signed “A work in progress".  That is an understatement for what I was at the end of 2009.  I was like "a work screwed up".

They say that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to crawl your way to the top and at that time, my leg had actually pushed through the bottom of the rock.  I was bitchy, fat, angry, hated my job, and just miserable over all.  I had just had a major relationship changing fight with Robert (thought it was relationship ruining but it actually worked out for the better in the long run), I was about to pay $1,300 for the TEFL course so I could move to Korea, I had a whole bunch of friends who did not have my best interest at heart, and I was basically angry all the time because anger is easier than any other emotion. 

It was at the end of this year that I decided to change everything I didn’t like about myself.  This was no easy task as it also entailed getting rid of friends, and honestly confronting the things that I disliked about myself.  I was lazy, overweight, full of complaints, jealous, bitchy, rude, and even though I had high self esteem and never doubted my beauty, I hated the way I looked. 

Step 1- Admit you have a problem.

I started writing more and really thinking about my life.  I realized that most of my new “friends” knew absolutely nothing about me and therefore could not understand my moving to another country.  Their words of warning were more like them expressing the sheer stupidity of my decision.  Not ok.  I am sure their intentions were good, but at the end of the day their method of delivery SUCKED. 

Step 2- Cut the baggage; people included.

It was like an everything must go sale.  Friends, clothing, weight, attitude, job, and doubts about my relationship; all had to be removed before I could progress into Shaina 2.0.  I Cleared my life of all the clutter that was keeping me from the desires of my heart and guess what happened… I OBTAINED ALL THE DESIRES OF MY HEART!  A new country, a better body and a better relationship.  I mean, look at the difference in the 2 pictures on the left compared to the 2 on the right.  Shame on me for walking around looking like the subway blimp.  I can judge myself but you can’t.

2 on the left are 2009 and early 2010
2 on the right are late 2011

Step 3- Get rid of the excuses and get what you want. 

Once I acknowledge the problem and removed the things standing in my way, the only thing left was to make it happen.  By “it” I mean everything I wanted.  No more workout excuses.  No more flipping on my boyfriend when my feelings are hurt instead of just talking to him.  No more obsessive eating out.  No more jealousy.  No more DRAMA (cue Mary J Blige song immediately). 

Step 4- Appreciate EVERYTHING.

And now, I am the happiest I have ever been with only more happiness on the horizon.  I am in better shape than I have been since high school and wearing a size I haven’t worn since 10^th grade and having lost 75 lbs.  I can’t remember the last time my boyfriend and I yelled at each other.  I regulate my stress issues.  I watch what I eat at all times.  I exercise at LEAST 5 times a week.  I love myself.  I smile every day.  I’ve been in another country for 10 months and I am moving to yet another with the love of my life in another 2.  I have no idea where I will be in 5 years or even 3, and for the first time in my life, I have no desire to.  

So, I guess you could say that the work in progress has definitely progressed.  I'm glad I stumbled across that old blog.  Sometimes I forget how far I've come because I'm so concentrated on the end result.  Gotta remember to enjoy the process.

Enjoy the ride Shaina, enjoy the ride.  

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL

Sitting here drinking wine (as is evident by the title) in an effort to stop thinking about the things that I am currently stressing over and I ended up thinking about a bunch of other things.  Pick one and tell me your opinion... Love to hear other people's thoughts on any of these especially if you're drinking wine too.  

1. Why is it that all the things that taste so good are all the things that are so bad for you?
2. Why does black hair take so long to grow?
3. Why do babies smell so good?
4. Why is weight easy to put on and hard to take off?
5. Is it better to be a jack of all trades OR a master at one?
6. Why do people spend so much time talking about the sin of premarital sex and homosexuality instead of the things that really hurt people like judging, sloth, and jealousy?
7. Why does it sometimes take a disaster to bring us closer together?
8. Why does it take most men longer than women to be ready for marriage?
9. Why does TV feed girls these perfect fairytales and ultimately fuck them up emotionally?
10. Why does God love us so much when we don't deserve it?
11. Why are some women so dependent on a man that they can never be single?
12. Why do some women/men become so weak for a man/woman that they will allow him/her to treat them like shit?
13. Why is this new generation of students so damn unmotivated to succeed?
14. Why do I still have to work harder than a man?
15. Should we go into situations with immediate trust or should we make people earn it?
16. Do you wish on stars?
17. Is it better to have goals and never reach them, or to be content with mediocrity?
18. What is about to happen to education in America?
19. When God shows you that people in your life no longer have a place there, how do you just let them go?
20. Is everyone ELSE fucked up, or is MY idea of friendship just wrong?
21. Why do I need to be in control?
22. Am I ever going to pick one career or am I going to be trying something different forever?
23. When is the idea of "beautiful" going to change in the media?
24. Does always wanting more mean that you can never be happy?

I plan on writing a follow up to this and answer all of my own questions... but not now. Now... I load up on wine to stop my mind.  BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL I must free myself from mental anguish.