She Saw Me Naked

Well first things first.  This weekend was yet another spent in Seoul yet not by choice. My original plan was to stay home, pack, clean, hit the jimjilbang (Korean bath house) for a workout and tub soak, and try my hand at new recipes.  I wanted to just have a relaxing weekend inside but sadly, Jess’ cousin died and she was extremely sad so we went to Seoul to distract her.  Alas, my quiet weekend did not go as planned.  But at least I was fly. 

Now we get to the funny part

I spent most of the day in Seoul wishing that I could be at the jimjilbang exercising and then having a nice soak in the tub.  So today, I made it my business to get to the gym and work this body!  It was lovely.  150 plus sit ups, arms, 20 min intervals, 20 minute elliptical, and about 10 on the bike.  I was all hype and ready to get in the tub.  Went to my locker and got naked and right as I am prancing my naked body to the tub, I hear:

“SHAINA TEACHER”

My heart starts beating fast as hell.  Here I am assed and vagina-ed out right in front of one of my ex students.  So of course I try to play it off like I’m not uncomfortable. 

“Hello honey, how are you”

“I am fine and you”

“O I am very well.  Are you here alone” (hoping mom isn’t about to come from around the corner”

“No, Shaina Teacher, this is my sister”

“OOOO Hi” (lord have mercy lets all see naked Shaina)

Finally, I make my way to the bath and away from the prying eyes of the 11 year old girl who interestingly enough did not seem fazed at all by the naked black woman in front of her.  My bath and relaxation was wonderful and just when I was feeling like everything was ok, guess who runs passed me naked… yep my student, “GOODBYE SHAINA TEACHER”.  I would have been arrested for exposing myself to a minor if I was in the USA.  I mean, it really shows you how different the culture is.  You can see women of all ages bonding and bathing together completely comfortable and naturally in this country, when in America (which is much more sexually liberal than Korea) you wouldn’t really see such things. The Bath houses will def be in the top 10 things I will miss about Korea, but not seeing my students there!

Anyway, now that I am home and relaxing, I had time to cook some yummy dinner and clean the house.  I made chicken Alfredo (sans pasta noodles of course... CARB DEATH) with broccoli, bacon, red peppers, and cherry tomatoes.  It was luscious.   And later I am planning on dipping into my guilty pleasure bag.  But not too much chocolate before I go to sleep!!

Why??  Because obviously when I have chocolate right before bed, I get engaged to tall white bald men.  Let me explain.  Last night I had a dream that Rob and I were going to get engaged.  I just KNEW it was coming.  I felt it.  Then he bought me a small toy car for Christmas and told me not to look in it (yea right).  I looked in and saw the ring.  I WAS SO EXCITED.  Two days later when the man asked me to marry him it was NOT Robert, it was some white guy named Robert.  Now I can honestly say that my unconscious mind was pissed off (I felt uncomfortable), but dream Shaina was happy as pie, just like if it was Rob.  WTF.  Big beautiful ring too with a blue diamond.  What the hell.

So yea, no mas chocolate antes de dormir porque tengo pesadillas sobre hombres blanco.  So all in all the weekend was kind of a decent.  Next weekend, no one will talk me out of staying in Cheongju and relaxing!   

The "Work in Progress" has Progressed

I was going through some of my old emails and getting rid of spam, and I found the link to my old blog on Xanga.  I was curious to see what I was thinking about back in 2009 and the first blog I read was signed “A work in progress".  That is an understatement for what I was at the end of 2009.  I was like "a work screwed up".

They say that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to crawl your way to the top and at that time, my leg had actually pushed through the bottom of the rock.  I was bitchy, fat, angry, hated my job, and just miserable over all.  I had just had a major relationship changing fight with Robert (thought it was relationship ruining but it actually worked out for the better in the long run), I was about to pay $1,300 for the TEFL course so I could move to Korea, I had a whole bunch of friends who did not have my best interest at heart, and I was basically angry all the time because anger is easier than any other emotion. 

It was at the end of this year that I decided to change everything I didn’t like about myself.  This was no easy task as it also entailed getting rid of friends, and honestly confronting the things that I disliked about myself.  I was lazy, overweight, full of complaints, jealous, bitchy, rude, and even though I had high self esteem and never doubted my beauty, I hated the way I looked. 

Step 1- Admit you have a problem.

I started writing more and really thinking about my life.  I realized that most of my new “friends” knew absolutely nothing about me and therefore could not understand my moving to another country.  Their words of warning were more like them expressing the sheer stupidity of my decision.  Not ok.  I am sure their intentions were good, but at the end of the day their method of delivery SUCKED. 

Step 2- Cut the baggage; people included.

It was like an everything must go sale.  Friends, clothing, weight, attitude, job, and doubts about my relationship; all had to be removed before I could progress into Shaina 2.0.  I Cleared my life of all the clutter that was keeping me from the desires of my heart and guess what happened… I OBTAINED ALL THE DESIRES OF MY HEART!  A new country, a better body and a better relationship.  I mean, look at the difference in the 2 pictures on the left compared to the 2 on the right.  Shame on me for walking around looking like the subway blimp.  I can judge myself but you can’t.

2 on the left are 2009 and early 2010
2 on the right are late 2011

Step 3- Get rid of the excuses and get what you want. 

Once I acknowledge the problem and removed the things standing in my way, the only thing left was to make it happen.  By “it” I mean everything I wanted.  No more workout excuses.  No more flipping on my boyfriend when my feelings are hurt instead of just talking to him.  No more obsessive eating out.  No more jealousy.  No more DRAMA (cue Mary J Blige song immediately). 

Step 4- Appreciate EVERYTHING.

And now, I am the happiest I have ever been with only more happiness on the horizon.  I am in better shape than I have been since high school and wearing a size I haven’t worn since 10^th grade and having lost 75 lbs.  I can’t remember the last time my boyfriend and I yelled at each other.  I regulate my stress issues.  I watch what I eat at all times.  I exercise at LEAST 5 times a week.  I love myself.  I smile every day.  I’ve been in another country for 10 months and I am moving to yet another with the love of my life in another 2.  I have no idea where I will be in 5 years or even 3, and for the first time in my life, I have no desire to.  

So, I guess you could say that the work in progress has definitely progressed.  I'm glad I stumbled across that old blog.  Sometimes I forget how far I've come because I'm so concentrated on the end result.  Gotta remember to enjoy the process.

Enjoy the ride Shaina, enjoy the ride.  

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL

Sitting here drinking wine (as is evident by the title) in an effort to stop thinking about the things that I am currently stressing over and I ended up thinking about a bunch of other things.  Pick one and tell me your opinion... Love to hear other people's thoughts on any of these especially if you're drinking wine too.  

1. Why is it that all the things that taste so good are all the things that are so bad for you?
2. Why does black hair take so long to grow?
3. Why do babies smell so good?
4. Why is weight easy to put on and hard to take off?
5. Is it better to be a jack of all trades OR a master at one?
6. Why do people spend so much time talking about the sin of premarital sex and homosexuality instead of the things that really hurt people like judging, sloth, and jealousy?
7. Why does it sometimes take a disaster to bring us closer together?
8. Why does it take most men longer than women to be ready for marriage?
9. Why does TV feed girls these perfect fairytales and ultimately fuck them up emotionally?
10. Why does God love us so much when we don't deserve it?
11. Why are some women so dependent on a man that they can never be single?
12. Why do some women/men become so weak for a man/woman that they will allow him/her to treat them like shit?
13. Why is this new generation of students so damn unmotivated to succeed?
14. Why do I still have to work harder than a man?
15. Should we go into situations with immediate trust or should we make people earn it?
16. Do you wish on stars?
17. Is it better to have goals and never reach them, or to be content with mediocrity?
18. What is about to happen to education in America?
19. When God shows you that people in your life no longer have a place there, how do you just let them go?
20. Is everyone ELSE fucked up, or is MY idea of friendship just wrong?
21. Why do I need to be in control?
22. Am I ever going to pick one career or am I going to be trying something different forever?
23. When is the idea of "beautiful" going to change in the media?
24. Does always wanting more mean that you can never be happy?

I plan on writing a follow up to this and answer all of my own questions... but not now. Now... I load up on wine to stop my mind.  BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL I must free myself from mental anguish.  

A Weekend of Vagina

Ok so not quite a weekend, but the title is catchy isn’t it?  This weekend’s big event was the Vagina Monologues in Seoul, the whole day proved to be well beyond interesting. 

I had to catch a taxi to get to the bus station so that I could meet up with Jess before heading to Seoul.  I made sure to work out before I left and that put me in a sexy and thin feeling mood J. I put on a little something that was about 2 steps above my everyday wear and heels (Heeeeeey) which doesn’t happen too often at all in Korea. 

So I am in the back of the taxi and putting on lip gloss to finish off the look when the taxi driver starts talking to me in Korean.  As normal I just start saying NAY (yes) so that he will shut the hell up and leave me alone, but he starts laughing so I ask him WHAT??  Then he motions to his chest to show the gesture for big boobs and then points to me… W…T…F?  I was like HUH?  He laughs harder and proceeds to start asking me what kind of men I like… it went something like this:

“Japan man”

NO

“China man”

NO my boyfriend WAYGUK (American)

…continues naming countries as if I don’t have a boyfriend

“OOOOOO Italy man”

Yea you get the point and this continued for the while 7 minute taxi ride… SIR I JUST WANT TO LISTEN TO MY BOOK!!!  Not so much.

Skip forward Jess and I arriving in Seoul and embarking on the food journey which landed us at a Greek restaurant called… hmmm I don’t remember… sad story.  Anyway, I thought it was quite delicious but Jess said her Lemon chicken tasted like a TV dinner.  YIKES!  We had a full on 4-course meal; appetizers, salad and soup, wine, entre, and baklava for dessert!  YUM!  As we sat there we were discussing the vaggie mono we were going to see and the waiter comes to the table right as I exclaim “AND I LOVE VAGINA” yep, and he spoke English… Great Job Shay.  But it did give a great laugh to all parties involved including the blushing waiter. 

Rrrrrrrrlrlrlrlrl—(that’s the fast forward sound in case you didn’t recognize it in written form ahhaha) So fast forward to the actual event.  Lucky enough for us we got there early enough to get tickets and seats as the show sold out within the first 45 minutes not even leaving standing room.  As Jess and I opted for another glass of wine and waited for the show to start, I took a moment to look around the spot and I noticed races, ethnicities, and personalities of all kinds.  It was nice to be surrounded by such a variety of people as I rarely get the chance in Korea.  The show began with loud voices and vibrant spoken word pieces discussing everything from comical anecdotes about what your vagina would say if it could talk and the art of please yourself, to the brutal rape and castration torte that some women have to endure.  I felt bipolar as I was taken high and dropped low over and over again.  My favorite piece was the one that went through and described how women orgasm by their ethnicity or their religious beliefs.  It was hilarious and just when I thought that she wasn’t going to imitate black women she says “The African America orgasm—O SHIT O SHIT O FUCK”  Hmmm accurate?  I plead the 5^th.  All in all, the show was wonderful and I would recommend it to anyone in South Korea (or anywhere else in the world anyway)  All proceeds went to the house of sharing which is the organization that supports women who were taken and made to become sex slaves to Japanese soldiers during the war.  

And wouldn’t you know, I lucked up again on the taxi ride to the bus station.  Jess and I were pretty much auditorilly  (yep I make up words) raped by the taxi driver who started talking about the words for penis and vagina in Korean.  Not only that, but he started imitating the sounds that Korean make when having sex.  It was out of control.  I recorded the video and I am going to post that utter (yet hilarious) nastiness on youtube as soon as I finish editing.  He kept it going for the whole 10 minutes to the bus station.  Assaulted by 2 different taxi drivers in one day!  Only in South Korea. 

Anywho, it was a great weekend that I will definitely add into the epic pile. 

Sooooo I wonder… If your vagina could talk, what would it say??

Mine would just giggle all day J.

Fear of Failing or Fear of Success?

I’m sitting at the computer attempting to contact the editor of “____” magazine about publishing one of my articles.  I already have her contact information and all I have to do is pay the $5.99 to join the website that will get me in contact with her and a number of other editors.  I’ve been looking into it for about 3 days now, asking myself, “what’s the big deal Shaina, you spend more than $5.99 on- EVERYTHING”.  I keep refreshing the page; going back and forth, looking at some of my really good work and wondering which one is good enough.  Then it hit me.  I am scared shitless.  I am scared to put my heart into something and fail.  As I’ve said before, I get really tired and bored with things so quickly, but never have I tired of writing.  Along with reading, it’s the one constant things in my life that I have always had a profound interest in, but then the questions start.

“What if I’m not good enough”?

Sometimes my grammar sucks.  “What if they think I’m horrible”? There are so many writers that are better than me. My desire brings me back to the website but the questions I have take me back to bullshitting on Facebook.  I have never tried hard at something and failed, nor have I ever attempted to be publicly recognized for my passion (on a grand level).  Writing has always been my little secret- the real stuff anyway.  I’ve kept it under lock and key, hidden in the special folders on my computer so no one would stumble across my little "hobby".  I’ve been "writing books" since I was 8.  But what makes me good enough?  “Why would anyone care about your story shaina” I ask myself all the time.  “What do you know that no one else does”?  

But I believe that it’s not that I think I know something you don’t know, I think I just have a very real way of addressing situations that can sometimes be considered taboo in everyday discussion.  I think my allure is that I say what you are thinking in the exact way that you want to say it but are afraid to.  But what if I fail?   What if I pay this $5.99 and come up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t do this, or how I should try to spend my time trying to find a job instead of sitting around and writing?  What if I put my all into it and fail and fail again?  I don’t generally fail, and when I have, I changed that failure into success in one way or another.  But this is my thing, my passion, my Shaina thing that I’ve been telling myself that I’m good at for the last 17 years, so what if I find out I’m not?  What if I never get 10,000 hits a day, never beyond this blog, and remain in the same situation I am in now?    

The more I type, the more I realize that this is unacceptable.  This is not diva-esque Shaina.  Fuck what if.  I live in South – Muthaeffin - Korea.  I have a Bachelors AND a Masters Degree.  I’ve worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time and paid my way through college…TWICE.  So what if they think I suck.  So what if my grammar sucks and I need Ciara to tell me where to put colons and hyphens, I'll read some books and be the best damn grammarian on the planet.  So what if someone is better than me, someone will always be better at something.  So what if I am not as good as I think, that will just drive me to do better.  I don’t fail...it just takes me longer to get to success sometimes, but I get success nonetheless.  So instead of asking what if I fail, I am going to start concentrating on something else.  What if I succeed??? - and that scares me just as much.  $5.99 huh?? Where is my debt card?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Marianne Williamson

VAGINA MONOLOGUES COMES TO SEOUL

The VAGGIE talk is coming to Seoul this weekend... I'm gonna be there.  Are you!!!?? You should... Come out and talk about Vagina.  The best thing in the world IS VAGINA!!!  I plan on stepping out in some O so sexy attire...I mean... its just what I do!

WHO: The Vagina Monologues 2011 in Itaewon

WHAT: a fundraising show for The House of Sharing
WHEN: April 2 at 8pm (with The Total @ssholes performing afterwards)
AND April 3 at 2pm
WHERE: Roofers in Itaewon

COST: 10,000 won
LANGUAGE: English

SATURDAY-APRIL 2 AT 8pm (performance by the Total @ssholes after)
SUNDAY-APRIL 3 AT 2pm


DIRECTIONS TO ROOFERS:
Come out Itaewon station exit #3 and walk straight. You will see Dunkin' Donuts on your right. After Dunkin' Donuts turn right up the hill. Walk about 60 meters and ROOFERS is on your right on the 3rd floor.

ABOUT V-DAY & THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES:
V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls that raises funds and awareness through benefit productions of Playwright/Founder Eve Ensler’s award winning play The Vagina Monologues. The Vagina Monologues is a show that was created after interviewing hundreds of women around the world about many different topics.

My apartment in Cheongju

I just realized that I dont have a video of my apartment here in South Korea.  Here we go.  For anyone thinking of moving here, Check it out...