Friday, May 14, 2010

Wearing down on Me

I am definitely starting to feel some kind of way about moving. They just moved up my date from the 28 to the 14. Which means instead of leaving the 20th I have to leave to be there by the 11th the latest. While I am extremely excited and overwhelmed in a good way, I have this feeling I can't shake. This feeling of loss. I have lost so much time with my brother and sister and I have pretty much only been around through phone contact. I feel guilty for leaving honestly. Guilty for trying to live and do the things I want. I feel like I'm gaining and losing at the same time. My heart is heavy with pain and joy. I can't really express it because I have to hold it together. Can't let anyone know that I'm scared shitless about EVERY aspect of this thing. If I'm not sure how the hell can anyone else be? I keep trying to exhale and feel that release but its not happening. I'm not feeling that shift back to equilibrium. Maybe I won't feel ok until I am already there and have gotten all my tears out. Once I'm there and settled and not anticipating the dreaded departure that is sure to take a toll on me both here in phoenix and at home with my family. I am so hurt and I can't talk about it with anyone. I can't let myself cry about it and this is the first time I've really delved into it mentally. I don't really know what to do but this feeling is getting worse as time goes by (as to be expected). So where does that leave me?
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