Saturday, October 23, 2010

Can you really "LOVE" your job?

I hear people say "My job doesn't even feel like work because I love what I do".  Hmmmm...Let's expand on that shall we.

For an average person this statement might very well be true.  And average run of the mill everyday kind of person might in fact "Love going to the same job everyday", but for someone like me I wonder if this will ever be the case.  I am somewhat of an "ADD professional".  I am interested in so many different things, that I don't know if I could settle into one specific career.  True enough, I could pick something that was constantly changing and challenging me, but on any given day my interests change completely.  One day I want to teach, another day I want a psychology practice, another day I want to work in higher education like College campus life, the next day I want to write, after that I want to go back to school for "FILL IN THE BLANK", ect.  The list continues.  Now do not for one moment mistake me a for woman who can not make up her mind, for that is not the case, I am more of Jack of all trades.  I dabble in a variety of life skills;  maybe even a melting pot of talent, if you will, and I am constantly living outside of the box.  How then, could anyone presume to restrict me to the confines of one profession?

So I ask again, can you really love your job... if you are someone like me?  This is a sincere question.  I believe that I could be wrong so opinions are welcome.  Here is where my theory could fall apart.

I have been working since the tender age of 15; because I had to, not because I wanted to.  Didn't have money for anything when I was coming up so when I hit the working age, I made sure that I was employed.  So I have been working for the past 10 years, which most people my age probably can't say.  Not bullshit jobs either- managers, team leaders, ect- and sometimes more than one job at a time.  Yes, life was not always easy and rosy for me like some of my more privileged friends but I'm not complaining, merely getting to the point.  Work has yet to be something that I have chosen to do.  Even being here in Korea, love the place, but I've been over teaching since 2008, again I'm teaching because 1. I'm good at it, and 2. because it gives me access to be where I want to be.  Point:  Maybe I need to actually find something I love to do and choose to do.

The only job I have ever really loved was being the Campus Activities board chair.  I loved the Event planning, working with the agents, organizing the events, and of course, having a team of people that have to do what I say because I'm a controlling bitch I am a born leader.  This is the kind of atmosphere I would love to be in everyday, but I don't know what that would look like on a professional level.  What the hell do I major in for that?  Lately I have been looking into the medical field, or back into the medical field actually.  Before I jump the broom and move right into it, I am actually investing time into taking a free Biology course and a  free Anatomy course so that I can see how interested I am in field.  So far so good and I am definitely liking learning more about my own body!  So let's see where that goes.

At the end of the day, I want to believe that I will find something that I can be happy to do everyday, but I am not the average person.  The get up and go to work everyday completely content with a mundane existence and yea I am what.  I hope that my desire to have my toe in so many different waters fades away when I no longer "have to work" and I can find something I can stick with. There were so many things that I wanted to explore but I couldn't because I had to grow up so fast and concern myself only with making a better future. Maybe when I'm done making up for lost time I can find a job I love and turn all the other things into hobbies and be like everyone else.  But can you really love your job?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Today was Rough...My Id is leading me

Today was a rough day for me.  My first thought upon opening my eyes was, "This is not going to be a good day".  I hit the snooze button on my alarm and canceled my normal workout routine for a few extra minutes of sulking sleeping.  If ever someone woke up in the wrong bed on the wrong side of the mattress it was me on this day. It was 7:15 when I finally got up, threw on Rob's sweats (first sign of my emotional state...wearing Rob's clothes), an ugly but comfy top, and my workout shoes, for the start of what was sure to be a shit day.  I thought talking to my family would help, but it just made me feel worse and that conversation ended with hidden cloudy watery eyes.  

I practiced French on my Ipod while walking to work but felt no satisfaction.  I was in "Don't you dare speak to me" mode and everyone picked up on it.  I felt lonely as soon as I opened my eyes, and the only thing I had to look forward to was the fact that I was going to see my Rob tomorrow.  That's right...WAS.  Right smack in the middle of my day Robert tells me that he has to work this weekend and he will be unable to come see me.  Wasn't that the icing on my shitty ass day cake?? Yep.  You know what happened right?  I sat there staring at the computer screen while the tears just dropped on my desk.  Not angry tears, just a sheer disappointment that I could NOT shake.  This makes nearly 3 weeks that I wont see him.  I could have crawled up and died somewhere.  For the rest of the conversation I pulled it together and pretended like all was well, but there really was nothing that he could say to soothe me; I was gone at "I got bad news".  To be fair, it wasn't all his fault, the day began as shit and he just added another huge turd.  So technically I can't blame him but who gives a fuck about technicalities I am still disappointed.  When he finally had to go to work and could no longer try to pacify me like the big baby that I am chat with me, I put my head on the desk and had the watery eyes until I fell asleep.  Poor Robert sometimes.

Lately I feel really alone.  Don't get me wrong, Korea is awesome and I am surrounded by people that I truly like but they don't understand my particular brand of Bitch they don't know me on that BFF level.  All of my inside jokes and funny stories are with Robert, but since he is my significant other, I can not solely rely on him as my source of friendship and fun.  To be honest, the only person that I could call a BF is Ciara because she is a bitch too is similar to myself in many ways, but she has her boyfriend here and since she has been here for so long, the novelty of Korea has worn off for her.  Such is life.  But if she didn't live next door I'd be lost; truthfully.  Everyone at home has their own lives and their own issues and I feel very disconnected.  So as far as exploration and excitement I am all alone as everyone already has a BF.  Its like I know everyone but have no one.  Make sense?  Not that I give a shit if you don't get me.

Even though I had to force myself with all that I could muster, I worked out when I came home.  I gave myself a facial and baked the cookies that I was supposed to bake for my Robert, and I gave them to Ciara.  I cleaned a little, did my nails, and now I'm watching another horror movie.  So I didn't beat the shit out of anyone like I wanted to the day wasn't as bad as it could have been and now I am feeling better.  I remembered that I am overly emotional this week because of EVE's bitch ass life in general and I have to get myself under control.  Now I just have to shut down my Id(see bottom)  and stop giving into all the emotions I feel, which today were irritation, sadness, and disappointment.  Luckily I cried out my feelings instead of eating them.  I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but Saturday was to be spent with my I must fill up that time so that sadness wont set in.  DISTRACTIONS PLEASE!

Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow will be better.  Please don't let anyone fuck with me tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be better. 

ID (if you dont know psychological terms)- The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, water, sex, and basic impulses. It is amoral and selfish, ruled by the pleasure–pain principle; it is without a sense of time, completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and is not able to take "no" for an answer. It is regarded as the reservoir of the libido or "instinctive drive to create" 

And my Id is a muthaf*cker sometimes out of control.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Reading for writing

I admitted to myself that I really want to write.  I have been writing forever but I very rarely allow myself to get to deep into it because of a little thing called "fear".  What if I give it my all and I fail?  What if I sit in front of the computer screen and I can't write anything?  What if I think it's great but everyone else thinks it's horrible?  These are the questions that I continue to let plague me and ultimately keep me from one of my greatest desires, but no more.

I picked up The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes because I didn't  read all of them when I was younger; a few here and there, but not all of them.  I couldn't put it down.  It was, and is, a constant reminder of what I want to do, and the way I want to do it.  Conan Doyle conveys his characters so well by only using minor details and a captivating story line.  He paints a picture that can easily be followed, yet at the same time forces the reader to stay on their toes.  It's not just the story itself; its the way he expresses it.  Rereading the stories has made me look at my own writing differently; both where I am now and where I want to be.

This made me want to reread more of the classics.  There is such an abundance of great material out there and I have barely scratched the surface.  I am going to keep writing, but right now, I am going to focus on broadening my literary horizons so that when I sit down to finish (and ultimately rewrite) my untitled autobiographical love story, I will be confident in my knowledge and my abilities.  I am so excited about what I know will end up going into my mental "Success" files where I keep all the things that I have accomplished.

My book cue is posted on my blog to the right.  If you have any books suggestions please let me know!

Friday, October 8, 2010


It never ceases to amaze me how utterly shocked Korean people are when they see me.  Here is a rundown of how it happens:

Scenario 1: Shaina is walking down the street, probably knee deep in her ever changing mental movie (I am Shaina's Raging Conscious), when she hears someone yell "OOOOOOHHHH".  Cue strange man/woman who comes up to her and starts talking in Hangol (Korean) like Shaina knows what the hell she is talking about.  And if that's not enough, Creepy old person starts touching Shaina's hair because THAT'S whats up.  Nope... I can assure you...what's up...its not!

Scenario 2:  Shaina is walking to work and its 8am.  Not only is she walking, but the sun is shining down on her back causing her to sweat profusely (I am Shaina's over productive glands).  Cue 1,000,000,000,000 kids trying to run up to her and start speaking the 5 sentences they learned in school that year.  "HELLO" "WHERE ARE YOU PROM" "WHAT IS YOUR NAME" "THANK YOU"  "BYEBYE".  Cause I want to have conversations at 8 in the morning.  Yep, let's do that.

Scenario 3 (and by far my least favorite): Shaina is walking down the main shopping street probably pissed off because everything she tried on doesn't fit ( I am Shaina's ever slimming waist line pissed at Korea for not noticing...*$&@(@)*%*# You Korea).  Cue old lady/man/young teen boy/girl/mom/kid who sees Shaina and gets the "OH" face, then tries to sneakily poke the person they are with as if to say "O shit look at that" as if Shaina can't clearly see them.  They notice Shaina looking and quickly pretend they are NOT doing exactly that.  Here comes the face flush of embarrassment.  Yep you're caught!

Now, I say all this to express the sheer and utter "fame monster" that I deal with in Korea everyday.  This isn't a once in a while thing.  However, I can honestly say that its not a bad thing.  The only time I'm ready to tell someone "PISS OFF" (getting my Brit lingo ready) is when I'm just not in the damn mood (see examples above).

I do really like the hospitality I feel here, which brings me to my ultimate point.  They don't expect me to know Korean, they don't get angry when I misspeak or have no idea what they are saying.  They try to teach me words and we communicate through awkward movements and laughter what we are trying to say.  This has been true for me in every instance so far.  And even when I am being "taught" how to say something, it's not out of annoyance, but a sheer desire to help me speak their language. 

Random convention on my way to work...yep...just imagine! YETI!

So even though I am a yeti sometimes its not that bad.  Americans could most certainly take a lesson from the Koreans. 

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Happily Reflecting

 Could it be possible that I fall in love more and more everyday?  I spent the weekend cooking new dishes with my honey, having some quality time, and making out.  Every time I look at him I feel like I am even more connected than the previous moment. I thought about it when a friend of mine from work was talking about all of the things that go wrong in her new relationship of 7month.  She was asking me how we are so "perfect".  Yea, I couldn't believe it either.  US?  Shaina and Robert, perfect?  And as I began to tell her how wrong she was about our relationship, I really started to think about it myself.  The normal reaction is to say "What the hell  We aren't perfect?", but really and truly, I couldn't think of anything I would like to add or remove from our relationship.  No I don't think we are perfect, but for who we are and what we are trying to do, I think we are as perfect as we can get.  We understand each other, and what we dont understand, we work to figure it out.  That's the thing... we WORK.  No matter how hard it gets, we work it out.  That's what makes a relationship work.  And that's what I told her.  No quick fixes, no easy button, just knowing that you want to be a better person for someone.  And that takes time.  Anyway, I loved my weekend.  I think I'm done with my excretion of emotion for tonight.  Going to bed happy as I always do.  For the first time in a long time I'm happy every night.