Thursday, October 21, 2010

Today was Rough...My Id is leading me

Today was a rough day for me.  My first thought upon opening my eyes was, "This is not going to be a good day".  I hit the snooze button on my alarm and canceled my normal workout routine for a few extra minutes of sulking sleeping.  If ever someone woke up in the wrong bed on the wrong side of the mattress it was me on this day. It was 7:15 when I finally got up, threw on Rob's sweats (first sign of my emotional state...wearing Rob's clothes), an ugly but comfy top, and my workout shoes, for the start of what was sure to be a shit day.  I thought talking to my family would help, but it just made me feel worse and that conversation ended with hidden cloudy watery eyes.  

I practiced French on my Ipod while walking to work but felt no satisfaction.  I was in "Don't you dare speak to me" mode and everyone picked up on it.  I felt lonely as soon as I opened my eyes, and the only thing I had to look forward to was the fact that I was going to see my Rob tomorrow.  That's right...WAS.  Right smack in the middle of my day Robert tells me that he has to work this weekend and he will be unable to come see me.  Wasn't that the icing on my shitty ass day cake?? Yep.  You know what happened right?  I sat there staring at the computer screen while the tears just dropped on my desk.  Not angry tears, just a sheer disappointment that I could NOT shake.  This makes nearly 3 weeks that I wont see him.  I could have crawled up and died somewhere.  For the rest of the conversation I pulled it together and pretended like all was well, but there really was nothing that he could say to soothe me; I was gone at "I got bad news".  To be fair, it wasn't all his fault, the day began as shit and he just added another huge turd.  So technically I can't blame him but who gives a fuck about technicalities I am still disappointed.  When he finally had to go to work and could no longer try to pacify me like the big baby that I am chat with me, I put my head on the desk and had the watery eyes until I fell asleep.  Poor Robert sometimes.

Lately I feel really alone.  Don't get me wrong, Korea is awesome and I am surrounded by people that I truly like but they don't understand my particular brand of Bitch they don't know me on that BFF level.  All of my inside jokes and funny stories are with Robert, but since he is my significant other, I can not solely rely on him as my source of friendship and fun.  To be honest, the only person that I could call a BF is Ciara because she is a bitch too is similar to myself in many ways, but she has her boyfriend here and since she has been here for so long, the novelty of Korea has worn off for her.  Such is life.  But if she didn't live next door I'd be lost; truthfully.  Everyone at home has their own lives and their own issues and I feel very disconnected.  So as far as exploration and excitement I am all alone as everyone already has a BF.  Its like I know everyone but have no one.  Make sense?  Not that I give a shit if you don't get me.

Even though I had to force myself with all that I could muster, I worked out when I came home.  I gave myself a facial and baked the cookies that I was supposed to bake for my Robert, and I gave them to Ciara.  I cleaned a little, did my nails, and now I'm watching another horror movie.  So I didn't beat the shit out of anyone like I wanted to the day wasn't as bad as it could have been and now I am feeling better.  I remembered that I am overly emotional this week because of EVE's bitch ass life in general and I have to get myself under control.  Now I just have to shut down my Id(see bottom)  and stop giving into all the emotions I feel, which today were irritation, sadness, and disappointment.  Luckily I cried out my feelings instead of eating them.  I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but Saturday was to be spent with my I must fill up that time so that sadness wont set in.  DISTRACTIONS PLEASE!

Tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow will be better.  Please don't let anyone fuck with me tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be better. 

ID (if you dont know psychological terms)- The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, water, sex, and basic impulses. It is amoral and selfish, ruled by the pleasure–pain principle; it is without a sense of time, completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and is not able to take "no" for an answer. It is regarded as the reservoir of the libido or "instinctive drive to create" 

And my Id is a muthaf*cker sometimes out of control.

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