Dear Diary...WHAT THE F*&$

I just stumbled upon a realization that wasn't so realized.  My goal- 185 lbs by the time I leave Korea- is not going to get accomplished.  I have worked my ass off.  I have done (ALMOST) everything right. Yet somehow, I am still 20+ lbs away from my ultimate.  How do I feel about that??

I'm Fucking Pissed.

I pretty much work my ass off and barely eat anything I want.  I exercise twice a day on most days and restrict my calories to SHIT.  I take Vitamins, I drink like a gallon of water, and I barely drink.  What the fuck is the problem! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.  No matter what I do, I never feel like its enough.  No matter how long I work out or how hard I go, I always feel like I could have done better; like I should be working harder.  It is just not fair.  Fuck everyone who can eat what they want all the time and stay rail thin.  I hope your damn hearts explode at 30.  I hope all of a sudden you just com-bust and turn into a big fat doughnut.  FUCK YOU  !  DIE  !  TO HELL WITH YOU  !!!


*HUGE SIGH*
Now that an hour has passed since I wrote that, I have calmed down quite a bit.  Still pissed off, but more rational.  BREATHING.

Ok.  When I first came to Korea I was about 227 (103 kg) and now I am at 95.5 (about 209) and that fluctuate between 96.0 (on cheat days) and 94.9 (on great days).  20 pounds in 10 months... O GREAT JOB SHAINA (cue sarcasm here).  I know I should be all "O I have accomplished so much" blah blah my asshole, but somewhere deep inside of me, the perfectionist/skinny girl will not let me feel that way.

I am proud of the health changes.  As a whole, they are considerably better than they were before.  I mean, I even love working out at home, whereas before, I was paying for a gym membership I was barely using (FAIL).  So yea, I am doing great there... but these pounds have got to go  !!!  THIS IS AN EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE  !!!! GET THE HELL OUT  !

So what happens now...

Now I realize that I leave here in 2 months (almost exactly) and I still have 20 lbs to lose before I reach my goal.  As the chronic and obsessive planner, I very rarely make a goal that I do not accomplish.  CASI NUNCA   !!!!  So this is kind of killing me.  2 months.  Thats about 10 lbs a month roughly which means that a severe ass kicking has to take place.  I have to go on an even more restricted diet and spend even more time working out.  Now I research vegetable cleanses and low carbs meals even more.  Now I restrict my fat Friday meal to KINDA fat Friday.  Now I go fucking crazy because that is what I do when I can't have something I want.  I go MAD.  IM THE MAD HATTER  !

AHHHHH DIOS MIO AYUDAME!

So now I am off to relax and try to sleep.  I just talked myself out of going SUPER-OVER0THE-EDGE-SHAINA-CRAZY like I usually do, but I am def going to LOCK IT UP a little more.  And people telling me to stop working so hard and stop worrying about it... GO TO HEL  L!! You have obviously never been fat before OR you are fat now and too stupid to care OR you dont love shopping and looking cute as much as I do.  Either way.  Leave me alone.  Fuck off  !  Have another drink, and eat another burger.  I will probably feel like shit about this post in the morning..... fuck it

To all of my readers, please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes as I can not go back and read this or it will just piss me off.  I wrote it as I thought it.  GOOD DAY!