Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Last night I went out for drinks and food with the coworkers and the bosses and it was fabulous and full of fun discussions (and all that implies), however, throughout the entire dinner I am thinking to myself "Shaina stop eating meat"  and "Shaina don't drink anymore"  and "You KNOW how many calories are in Soju don't you".  And even though I was having a good time, those thoughts were nagging the back of my mind the entire evening.

Yesterday when I woke up, I was my smallest weight yet and when I looked in the mirror, I thought I could clearly see the flatness of my tummy, the muscles in my legs, and the definition in my shoulders.  I felt good.  Started my day with my slimfast bar and all was well with the world.  But after last night, I basically slept crippled with fear of what the scale would hold for me.

And wouldnt you know it, the damn thing went up...wait for it... .7 of a kg.  Small though it may seem, it did not bode well with Shay.  I wanted to chop off my arm.  And the mirror wasnt my friend.  Instead of the thinning and defined girl of yesterday, I was the ridiculously puffy girl of yester-year.  Now if thats not some psychological bullshit then I dont know what is!  I came home and exercised for 1.5 hours and had what...you guessed it... slim fast bar for dinner.

And as I avoided looking in the mirror at all costs, I realized that at the end of the day, I have to remember all the work I do, and all the sacrifices I make for my life style change.  I shouldn't avoid the mirror, or shy away from a fun night out, I should celebrate myself and my accomplishments.  I get so preoccupied with my end goal that I forget that I have already made such a difference.

All we ever really wanna do is feel good when we step in front of that magical demon and let him tell us that we are indeed "The fairest one of all" (at least in the room).  We want to feel that we are the most gorgeous in all the land (at least in the bar or club lol)!  And we step into those stilettos and those skin tight jeans, we want to know that all eyes will be on us.  And ultimately, I'm pretty sure my mirror has a crush on me and doesn't mind when I visit my old friend; food.  So I'll try to stop being so...obsessive.  Yea I think thats a good word.

Beyonce Blackface?? WTF

Man what the hell is this???  Recently Beyonce did a photo shoot where she "rocked" the blackface in order to pay homage to a Nigerian musician.  Hmmmm I'm sorry for the hood speech but, WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?

  The glossy is celebrating its 90th anniversary, and Beyonce marks the occasion with an homage to Nigerian musician and humanitarian Fela Kuti; Beyonce's husband, Jay-Z, is a producer on the acclaimed Broadway musical "Fela!," based on the icon's life, music and courageous defiance against government corruption. In a statement , L'Officiel describes the Feli-inspired photo of Beyonce -- sporting blackface, tribal paint and a dress designed by her mom -- as a "return to her African roots, as you can see on the picture, on which her face was voluntarily darkened."

Not everyone is a fan of the editorial vision and tribute to Kuti; the image simultaneously inspires and provokes. Writes Jezebel's Dodai Stewart: "It's fun to play with fashion and makeup, and fashion has a history of provocation and pushing boundaries. But when you paint your face darker in order to look more 'African,' aren't you reducing an entire continent, full of different nations, tribes, cultures and histories, into one brown color?"  See full article here

 So, my take on it??  Hmmm well aside from the obvious offensiveness, I'm just trying to figure out why the hell they thought this was a good idea.  Instead of finding a gorgeous chocolate woman who ACTUALLY HAS THAT SKIN TONE, we have to see Bey ass ONCE AGAIN in the spotlight.  I'm sorry but I think this is bullshit!  Why not have a huge group of Beautidul African women of different shades and hues and just INCLUDE Beyonce?  And since WHEN is blackface a fashion statement?  Where is Spike Lee?? What happened to being yourself in pictures and being proud of the skin you have?  If they arent trying to look white and getting their skin brightened for the cover of magazines they are getting air brushed to look smaller.  What the hell is society doing???

So is this Blackface fashion statement a cool idea and I'm exaggerating, Cuz I do that sometimes??  Or is this some grade A bullshit!?

Black Women are just Fat Bitches???

Ok, so how many of you were caught off guard or surprised when you saw the name of my blog??  I bet not many of you.  Why?  Because it seems that "Black Woman" and "Bitch" are synonymous.  I was recently web surfing and trying to stay abreast of the USA situations and what do I find???  This bullshit.  "FIRST LADY EATS RIBS".  How racist can a headline be.  Are you effing kidding me?  This is what the news headlines are going on about now???

click for ribs article

Michelle, who I think is absolutely gorgeous and just a stand up black woman all together, is being targeted by so many different groups not only because of how she looks, but because of the awesome things she is trying to implement, like healthy food choices in schools and USA in general.  You can find this BULLSHIT ARTICLE HERE.  And just look at the comments... Disgusting.  I don't recall them making these kinds of slanderous statements about Laura or Hilary and neither of them are tiny.  So not only is she portrayed as being fat and glutinous, but she is also seen as being rude and bitchy like the rest of US BLACK WOMEN!

I gotta say that I am more than a little disgusted here, but at the same time, we havent always portrayed ourselves in the best possible light, and yes I include myself in "we".  I too have suffered from being a raging bitch first to protect myself in my environment, then as a defense mechanism, until ultimately it was a habit that I had to break with a vengeance, not excuses, but truth.  And then there are things like this that definitely don't help our case.

I mean really??  All of that.  On one hand she is "handling her business" but as the reformed bitch, Wendy Williams says, at a certain point its about getting those bees with honey and not vinegar.  So back to my original point.  If black women aren't fat, we are bitches, and as one of my friends boyfriends said about me, we also can't keep a man and we lose them to white women (which is funny because I've had mine longer than almost all my friends, both white and black, have had theirs...hmmm food for thought sir).  Is this stereotype so blindingly in the forefront of our society that people don't notice a contradiction to the rule when they see it?  Have we portrayed such negative views of ourselves in life and media that we will never crawl out of this black hole of bitchness?  I mean, if the gorgeous and talented Mrs. Obama can be treated so badly by the media, both white and sadly black as well, are we doomed to forever be labeled as "ANGRY BLACK WOMAN"?  These questions are not rhetorical.  Shit, I'm NOT angry haha! And as I become more comfortable with myself and in my skin, I have begun to notice that a lot of the women I know aren't angry either.  So now I ask where do we go from here?

So what do you think?  Are we doomed to this title forever?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Signed,
Reformed Bitch

Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife

My New Hobby

My little at home gym that means so much to me

It's been exactly a year since I started this weight loss thing up.  I know this for sure because on Valentines day last year I received the Tiffany Necklace from Robert and I was wearing it the weekend at a Quinceanera while eating my heart out.  I was also going through a major fall out with some "friends" and trying to move to another country.  Can you say stressed.  But through all of that I realized that I just wasn't where I wanted to be.  So I developed some new habits and over time I even found some new friends!

Running shoes, weights, jump rope, yoga mat, treadmill, and the bicycle are just a few of my newly developed relationships.  Working out has become such a monumental part of my life that my body and mind feel crappy when I skip too many.  I never thought I would be the person to say that I look forward to working out everyday, but it definitely is something that I can't live without, especially running.  For the longest, I hated running.  I felt like it was pointless (still kinda do, not going to lie) to just run for the hell of it and I didnt really understand how it was supposed to yield such great results.  After a month of consistent running I find myself getting faster, better, and stronger (cue Kanye West in the mother effer!!!!)

I love the sound of my feet hitting the treadmill, and when it gets warmer, I am going to hit some trails.  I love the way my body looks when I look at my reflection in the glass window (and I always look! haha).  My legs look strong as hell and my overall profile keeps getting smaller and smaller.  I am confident when I am on the treadmill whereas before I felt like I was flailing all over the damn place.  I really am kicking ass and I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!  The biggest loser challenge started as a motivational way for me to get to my goal weight because that was my focus, but now, my goals are so varied.  I want to run faster, I want to be able to get through more squats before I feel the burn.  I want to kick out more and more sit ups everyday.  I want some sick muscles in my arms (Michelle Obama status out here).  Most importantly, I want to keep up this healthy lifestyle way beyond February.  I don't feel deprived, I don't feel tired, I don't feel like I'm on a "diet" because I still have what I want.  I am loving me right now.  And whenever I am feeling down on myself, or lose the motivation, because lets face it, life happens, I will come back to this and remember how I have been feeling for the past two weeks. 

And it makes me feel so good when my honey notices it and comments on how I good I look.  He has been by my side motivating me and supporting me through all of this.  I can honestly say that when it comes to being my partner through everything good and bad, he definitely took my weight struggle to heart and helped me get to where I am right now.  Even when I get down on myself and start the "I'm fat" conversation lol he cheers me up.  I hope he knows how much that all means to me.  It def feels good when other people notice as well.  Like last night one of my oldest friends (and my middle school crush lol) told me that not only am I going to be bad as hell when I get to my goal, but I'm already bad right now.  Heeeeeeeeeeeey lol.  Shout out to Corey.   And definitely Brian, who makes me feel like one of the hottest women on the planet on a daily basis!!  I am surrounded by such wonderful people.  Shaina is on it!  I feel it and everyone sees it, and it feels so good.  74 lbs down and 26 to go!!!

Marriage

Lately, I have been involved in lots of conversations about marriage.  I don't know if its because of the time of year, age, or just because women like to talk about marriage but for whatever reason it has come up quite a few times just this week alone.  Now Rob and I also have lots of conversations about marriage but as I think about it, the conversations arent that in depth.  We generally discuss why marriages dont work, what we will have to keep doing to ensure ours does, and our fears about the subject in general.  Its odd because as much as I have always wanted to be married, I have friends who have always desired to stay as far away from I DO as possible and that is so foreign to me.  But recently I was asked why I want to get married and I realized that the answer is not quite as easy to formulate into words as I thought.

Ever the ponderer, I began to truly think about this question and try to put my emotions about marriage into words but I was really difficult, so I started scribbling all over a piece of paper without paying much attention to what I was writing.  I started doing this some years ago when I realized that I tend to think so much that my subconscious can't always keep up and by scribbling I can later look at what I write and find some meaning in it.  So as I was watching tv I started writing all over this spare piece of paper and at the end I was able to start to put it together.

I've always wanted to be married.  Really.  Some girls dream about money and living a fancy life, but I have always wanted to be someone's missus.  But it wasnt until very recently that I really began to understand what having a real marriage really means.  In my own words, its like one of the most rewarding jobs I will ever have.  Its a job because its the joining of two completely different people who have to compromise and ultimately understand the ins and outs of the other person.  Every relationship is different so I can only speak of my own, and I know for sure that we have worked so hard and communicated so much to get to where we are now and we are really just starting.  Marriage is about being prepared to let someone see exactly how fucked up you are who you are through and through.  Its being emotionally naked in front of someone.  Its trusting someone enough to let them in to the depths of your being and knowing that no matter what they will love you anyway.  AND THAT SHIT IS HARD.  Its a commitment of mind body and soul for the world and heavens to see and acknowledge. 

So when I was asked this question about why I wanted to get married I realized something that I had not consciously stated to myself or anyone else because I didnt really think about it, its just been something I knew I wanted to do, but that argument doesnt hold anymore.  I've had a lot of boyfriends and most of them wanted to marry me (not bragging, this is truth) so I could have been married a long time ago. I can honestly say that I no longer just want to get married- I want to marry him.  I want to cook, clean, and take care of him, be his.  And I want that to be recognized by my God.  People don't realize that if God doesn't approve, no matter what religion you are, your relationship will fail.  Period.  I want all the good and am prepared for the bad times.  I don't want it because its the next step, but because I want him.  My perfect match.  Once upon a time I was in a rush, but not anymore.  The anticipation is actually exciting.  Wondering when it will happen; how it will happen, and knowing that it will be him.  Maybe its super cliche but I can think of nothing better than being with this guy for the rest of my life, and while you don't have to be married to be with someone forever, for me, it solidifies everything.  Its the ultimate expression of trust and love for someone and I  guess some people don't need that, but I want it.  But... to each his/her own. 

Swimming for Exercise

As I continue to try to find different ways to become the sexiest woman on the planet, I decided to incorporate swimming into my routine.  Now this is funny.

As you know, I have now lost over 70 lbs (I know right).  I used to be so graceful in the water, floating and swimming almost effortlessly from one end to the other happily.  The last time I swam in a pool must have been over 1.5 years ago and I could clearly tell a difference.  I have yet to swim with my new and less...ahem... "fluffy" body.  Boy o Boy, I got in the pool, started swimming and suddenly noticed that I was sinking! hahaha!  Muscle weighs a lot more that fat and I had to work super hard to get from one end of the pool to the other.  AH!  What a workout!  I am feeling good and plan to go again tomorrow with Jess!!! Whoooo  Swimming is the way to go!

Now about keeping this hair together!?

Going Curly

 After almost a year, I am finally going to rock the curls.  I am not a fan of that "I'm natural" bullshit that people say.  In fact, I hate it.  But we will get to that later.

Sometimes I get random feeling to just change something and that happened on Wednesday when I randomly took all of my braids out while sitting at work knowing I had no intention to get my hair done any time soon.  As I sat at work with a huge Afro, I began to wonder what the hell I was going to do, and eventually said what the hell and decided to rock the curls!  Whooooo. 

I got super nervous and self conscious when I washed it on Wednesday night and it shrunk into a tiny poof!  OMG I'M BALD!!! NOOOOOO!! And it was making me crazy.  So Thursday night I set off to try to make myself look and feel better.  In truth, you can be the flyest bitch on the planet but if YOU don't think you look good, then it doesn't matter!

Half way through!! Taking forever!

 Anyway, I set out with my new products and my youtube videos ready to go and tried to make something happen.  After blow drying my hair I found that I wasn't bald after all lol!  Here are some photos from this 4 hour journey.  I started off small but I was sooo tired, that somehow they started to get bigger lol.  Of course, this was my first attempt at doing my own curls so I think I did a pretty good job, going to take some getting used to though!  I'm used to long hair, my own, and fake!

Now, why I dont like "Natural".  I feel there is this newly created battle of permed hair vs. "natural hair, with people on both side judging the other.  I hate the conversations about how black women perm their hair to look like white women, or to fit into some white stereotype.  As you can see, my hair is thick as shit and even after only a few months of growing non permed hair, and a major cut last month, its gotten pretty long.  Image what my hair was like at age 9... THICK, LONG, and I was tender-headed which made life hard for me and everyone else in my life!  So my mom permed  my hair and I loved it for years!  I STILL love it... but once I got a glimpse of those curls after a few months of braids, I wanted to try something new...

I didn't stop perming my hair to break away from some stereotype, nor did I want to "get back to my roots" or "join the sisterhood" (all that cheesy sista shit makes me want to vomit glass), I simply wanted to take another path of flyness.  So I will never refer to myself as natural, hell I'm natural even when I have a perm.  My hair is curly, I'm curly.  Still me with a perm or not.  This year is all about reinvention for me and I am liking my new CURLY hair. 

Damn that is a sexy back!

The finished product... I love it, but its definitely going to take getting used to

Stuff I want...MOTIVATION

Here are some of the things that I want and plan to have when I'm done with te biggest loser challenge.  The list goes on and on, but these are the most important! (Disclaimer:  If I see anyone I know with these things I will beat that ass)

Canvas Coach bag

UBER PINK C coach wallet for my new bag, also canvas

Cute cover up

If I'm not in heels, I still have to be uber fly

Can't you just see me in this...Commence 2 piece obsession... NOW

Really want to rock the backless shirt

Very Sexy Crochet Dress from Vicky

Dr. Fish and Ladies Day Out

Yes those are my feet inside a huge fish bowl and before you say "what the hell", let me explain.  This past weekend Geri, Lara, Jess and I went to Osan for a day of beautification and shopping.  First stop- ESCAPE SPA.  At this Spa you have the choice of beginning your experience with Dr. Fish.  Here, you stick your feet into a big tub with your friends (everything in korea is about bonding) and watch each other squirm as the fish eat the dead skin off their feet.  As someone who is extremely ticklish, I was laughing hysterically.  It took a while to get used to these little fishies nibbling at your toeies but when it was over my feet felt like butter.  After the Dr. Fish I got a lovely pedicure and a manicure and walked out feeling like love.  Then we went to the main street for some shopping.  We were taken to the "downstairs" of the purse store where I bought a lovely coach purse.  It's a nice one to hold me over until the end of the month when I go and get my Canvas Coach (real) from the Coach store in the Seoul.  Ohhhhh I am going to write a blog with all the stuff that I want after my biggest loser challenge!  Yep there is a nice long list.  Sorry, I digress.  Anyway, after we finished some "downstairs" purse shopping we went to a Brazilian restaurant and had all you can eat meat.  OMG.  I was dead from stuffed-ation.  It was great and horrible at the same time.  After we finished, we had to walk it off and so began our mission to find the "LOVE SHOP", after all, my guy is gone now you know *wink*.  This mission proved to be unsuccessful and we were disappointed so we just hopped in a taxi to go home.  As we drive down the street we see the sweet goodness of red hearts and the words "love" and "sexy" on the door and we begin to scream "YOGI-YO YOGI-YO" (HERE HERE) to the taxi driver as we laughed uncontrollably!  Awesome.  We walked into a world of lubes and dirty toys in what looked like the underground room in a HOSTEL movie and our laughing continued.  I left with a nice new fun item and some free lube that I will never use lol!!! TMI much???  ahahaha!  The day was great, fish eating my feet, mani, pedi, purse, meat, toys, and GREAT company!

Interested in the experience?? Here is the number.  031-665-9751 they speak fluent English and accept US dollars as well as Won.

Relaxing

Ticklish Geri

Brazilian Food

MEAT!

February Biggest Loser Korea Edition

If you know me at all, you know that I am quite obsessed with eating healthy, exercise and ultimately being in the best shape I can possibly be in.  It should come as no surprise that during the month that I am on vacation, I am only concentrating on just those things.  I developed a whole plan of consistent cardio exercises along with both legs, arms, and abs exercises.  I have drastically cut down my caloric intake.  Point:  I'm kicking ass and not even stopping to take names!  To hell with names.  I have a one track mind right now and its on the number 1.  that number one means several things and I love it!  READY...SET...THIN.

So the goals are:
Drop 13 lbs in February
Work out 6 days a week
Keep focus on WORK!!
KICK ASS!

So here it is and at the end of the month I will return with my kick ass progress!!

Shoe number1

Shoe number2

Special treat for my success:  My baby is buying me these shoes... I cant decide which ones are the best. God I love that he supports my needs.  He said I've been a good girl... OOO dirty dirty!  I've been good, but I'm def gonna be a BAD girl in these shoes! 

Please vote on the best shoes!!!  I need help!