Monday, February 14, 2011


Lately, I have been involved in lots of conversations about marriage.  I don't know if its because of the time of year, age, or just because women like to talk about marriage but for whatever reason it has come up quite a few times just this week alone.  Now Rob and I also have lots of conversations about marriage but as I think about it, the conversations arent that in depth.  We generally discuss why marriages dont work, what we will have to keep doing to ensure ours does, and our fears about the subject in general.  Its odd because as much as I have always wanted to be married, I have friends who have always desired to stay as far away from I DO as possible and that is so foreign to me.  But recently I was asked why I want to get married and I realized that the answer is not quite as easy to formulate into words as I thought.

Ever the ponderer, I began to truly think about this question and try to put my emotions about marriage into words but I was really difficult, so I started scribbling all over a piece of paper without paying much attention to what I was writing.  I started doing this some years ago when I realized that I tend to think so much that my subconscious can't always keep up and by scribbling I can later look at what I write and find some meaning in it.  So as I was watching tv I started writing all over this spare piece of paper and at the end I was able to start to put it together.

I've always wanted to be married.  Really.  Some girls dream about money and living a fancy life, but I have always wanted to be someone's missus.  But it wasnt until very recently that I really began to understand what having a real marriage really means.  In my own words, its like one of the most rewarding jobs I will ever have.  Its a job because its the joining of two completely different people who have to compromise and ultimately understand the ins and outs of the other person.  Every relationship is different so I can only speak of my own, and I know for sure that we have worked so hard and communicated so much to get to where we are now and we are really just starting.  Marriage is about being prepared to let someone see exactly how fucked up you are who you are through and through.  Its being emotionally naked in front of someone.  Its trusting someone enough to let them in to the depths of your being and knowing that no matter what they will love you anyway.  AND THAT SHIT IS HARD.  Its a commitment of mind body and soul for the world and heavens to see and acknowledge. 

So when I was asked this question about why I wanted to get married I realized something that I had not consciously stated to myself or anyone else because I didnt really think about it, its just been something I knew I wanted to do, but that argument doesnt hold anymore.  I've had a lot of boyfriends and most of them wanted to marry me (not bragging, this is truth) so I could have been married a long time ago. I can honestly say that I no longer just want to get married- I want to marry him.  I want to cook, clean, and take care of him, be his.  And I want that to be recognized by my God.  People don't realize that if God doesn't approve, no matter what religion you are, your relationship will fail.  Period.  I want all the good and am prepared for the bad times.  I don't want it because its the next step, but because I want him.  My perfect match.  Once upon a time I was in a rush, but not anymore.  The anticipation is actually exciting.  Wondering when it will happen; how it will happen, and knowing that it will be him.  Maybe its super cliche but I can think of nothing better than being with this guy for the rest of my life, and while you don't have to be married to be with someone forever, for me, it solidifies everything.  Its the ultimate expression of trust and love for someone and I  guess some people don't need that, but I want it.  But... to each his/her own. 

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