I’m sitting at the computer attempting to contact the editor of “____” magazine about publishing one of my articles. I already have her contact information and all I have to do is pay the $5.99 to join the website that will get me in contact with her and a number of other editors. I’ve been looking into it for about 3 days now, asking myself, “what’s the big deal Shaina, you spend more than $5.99 on- EVERYTHING”. I keep refreshing the page; going back and forth, looking at some of my really good work and wondering which one is good enough. Then it hit me. I am scared shitless. I am scared to put my heart into something and fail. As I’ve said before, I get really tired and bored with things so quickly, but never have I tired of writing. Along with reading, it’s the one constant things in my life that I have always had a profound interest in, but then the questions start.
“What if I’m not good enough”?
Sometimes my grammar sucks. “What if they think I’m horrible”? There are so many writers that are better than me. My desire brings me back to the website but the questions I have take me back to bullshitting on Facebook. I have never tried hard at something and failed, nor have I ever attempted to be publicly recognized for my passion (on a grand level). Writing has always been my little secret- the real stuff anyway. I’ve kept it under lock and key, hidden in the special folders on my computer so no one would stumble across my little "hobby". I’ve been "writing books" since I was 8. But what makes me good enough? “Why would anyone care about your story shaina” I ask myself all the time. “What do you know that no one else does”?
But I believe that it’s not that I think I know something you don’t know, I think I just have a very real way of addressing situations that can sometimes be considered taboo in everyday discussion. I think my allure is that I say what you are thinking in the exact way that you want to say it but are afraid to. But what if I fail? What if I pay this $5.99 and come up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t do this, or how I should try to spend my time trying to find a job instead of sitting around and writing? What if I put my all into it and fail and fail again? I don’t generally fail, and when I have, I changed that failure into success in one way or another. But this is my thing, my passion, my Shaina thing that I’ve been telling myself that I’m good at for the last 17 years, so what if I find out I’m not? What if I never get 10,000 hits a day, never beyond this blog, and remain in the same situation I am in now?
The more I type, the more I realize that this is unacceptable. This is not diva-esque Shaina. Fuck what if. I live in South – Muthaeffin - Korea. I have a Bachelors AND a Masters Degree. I’ve worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time and paid my way through college…TWICE. So what if they think I suck. So what if my grammar sucks and I need Ciara to tell me where to put colons and hyphens, I'll read some books and be the best damn grammarian on the planet. So what if someone is better than me, someone will always be better at something. So what if I am not as good as I think, that will just drive me to do better. I don’t fail...it just takes me longer to get to success sometimes, but I get success nonetheless. So instead of asking what if I fail, I am going to start concentrating on something else. What if I succeed??? - and that scares me just as much. $5.99 huh?? Where is my debt card?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."